NaNoWriMo

Hello readers. With the twin deadlines for NaNoWriMo and the Somewhat Funny Surprise bearing down on me I, unfortunately, cannot provide you with an update today. Take this time to brace yourselves, because tomorrow I am going to blow your mind.

Your mind on SFS

Thirsty Thursday Thanksgiving Edition (So, on a Friday)

Hello folks, and a happy (belated) Thirsty Thursday to you.

Drink:

Thanksgiving Dinner

Recipe:

1/2 pint Newcastle

1 shot Wild Turkey

Drop shot of Wild Turkey into Newcastle, then chug.

Description:

I know what you are probably thinking, and you're right, this drink seems nothing like a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

Like this, only not at all

However, if you stop and think about it for a moment, it all starts to come together; Hours of tense and elaborate meal preparation, miles and miles of travel, countless relatives grating at your nerves, the horror of Black Friday Christmas shopping looming over your head....

Clearly, a Thanksgiving Dinner is the only way you are going to be able to tolerate a Thanksgiving Dinner.

Variants:

There are quite a few other drinks bearing the holiday name, but quite frankly none of them have the FTT* raising effects of the Thanksgiving Dinner.

*Family Time Tolerance

What the hell are you doing?

It's Thanksgiving! You should be spending time with your family, not reading comedy on the internet! Now get!

Special Surprise

Well, it isn't my penis.

 

 

 

 

Tits and Tech

HOLY SHIT ITS AN UPDATE GET IN THE CAR!

1. Star Trek Corsets

A reader managed to track down the maker of those Star Trek corsets. Apparently they aren't up for sale anymore, but the custom request page might yield results for those of you still interested (that should be all of you). Also, it appears she has some Star Wars themed corsets for those of you in the other camp.

Hot? Jury is still out on this one.

Also, since someone managed to find it, you will all be graced with a special surprise today! Be sure to check back later.

2. Webby Awards

Over at The Webby Awards they are running a list of the top ten most influential moments of the past decade (in relation to the internet of course). I take issue with a couple of things on this list (mainly the fact that the launch of SFT isn't on it), but the one that gets me the most is number 8, the launch of the Iphone.

That turtleneck won't hide the hole where

your soul used to be Jobs!

Seriously? My deep hate of the Apple corporation aside, I can appreciate that the Iphone is a pretty cool device. Its sleek, easy to use, and has all the functionality you could want in a smart phone. Because that's what it is, a smart phone. They have been making that shit for years.

My Bad

So, it turns out I am way behind on the whole Star Trek corset thing. Apparently this internet amazement came and went. You can no longer find it to purchase.

But come on, this is the internet here people. I am sure its still out there somewhere.

So, I task you my readers to find it. If someone can enlighten the rest of us as to where we can purchase such a treasure, you will be rewarded with a special surprise!

YES!!!!!

Today Somewhat Funny Things will be taking a moment out to make a Public Service Announcement.

As some of you may have seen over at the facebook page, it would appear that there are now Star Trek themed corsets.

Set phasers to smokin

 Alright, I have already outed myself as a huge geek, so its no surprise that I think this is pretty amazing. However, ladies, let me assure you of this:

If you acquire one of these, any man in your life will love it.

I mean, for fucks sake its Star Trek. Even if they aren't a trekkie (which for your sake I hope they aren't), I am sure they watched the show at some point in their lives.

I guess what I am really trying to get at is that I think every woman (seriously, all of you) would benefit from the purchase of one of these corsets.

Bitch

Today, dear readers, I want to relate to you a story once told to me by my father.

To inform the story a bit, my father works as an electrician at a Generally Massive auto manufacturer. The folks that work there can be a little rough around the edges, and every once in a while a scuffle will break out.

One day, a gentleman (let's call him Bill) was wandering around inside the cell of an active robot (for those of you not in the know, that's about as good an idea as blow drying your hair in the shower.). His partner (Let's call him Al) tells him to GTFO before he gets hurt.

All robots are like this, right?

Anyway, Bill, being a huge asshole, saunters out and calls Al a pussy. A argument ensues, which cuminates with Bill shoving Al. This is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, and Al rounds on the guy with a mean right hook. However, not but a second before his fist impacted Bill's jaw, he stopped.

Then he opened his hand and slapped him across the face.

My father would later ask him why. Everyone pretty much hated Bill, and would have simply respond to any inquiry about the matter with "Really? I didn't see anything". Al, displaying a level of badassery before never seen responded thusly:

"You hit a man, but you slap a bitch"

Updates: It's like your eyes are having an orgasm.

Hey there folks, and a happy Friday to you.

1. New Moon

I am going to go ahead and get this shit out of the way: New Moon is a declaration of war against American Cinema.

More importantly than that though, this movie have some very troubling themes and undertones that I am not sure we should be comfortable with instilling in the young girls across the nation.

Anti-Feminism has never looked so moody.

Basically, the plot goes down like this: Vacant, one dimensional female lead is left by her sparkly, stalker/murderer/pedophile boyfriend (who happens to be a vampire, but not the cool kind), and because she is nothing without him, becomes depressed and begins excessive thrill seeking behavior. She gains some solace by leading on a werewolf (but not the cool kind) with anger management issues, but immediately dumps him when she realizes her beloved sparkly, stalker/murderer/pedophile boyfriend is in trouble. But its all ok, because she ends up with with her sparkly, stalker/murderer/pedophile boyfriend in the end, and that's all that matters.

2. The book of faces

Just wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone who became a fan of the Somewhat Funny Facebook Page. Its your go to source for everything SFT (next to, you know, the actual blog), and also allows you to discuss important topics with other fans (last night we had a rousing discussion on ladies' bosoms).

So, if you haven't joned yet, be sure to do so.

Or I will find you.

Old Fashioned

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

Drink:

Old Fashioned

Recipe:

2oz Bourbon Whiskey 
2 dashes angostura bitters
1 splash water
1 tsp sugar
1 maraschino cherry
1 orange wedge


Mix sugar, water and angostura bitters in an old-fashioned glass. Drop in a cherry and an orange wedge. Muddle into a paste using a muddler or the back end of a spoon. Pour in bourbon, fill with ice cubes, and stir.

Description:


Widely considered to be the first drink recognized as a "cocktail", the Old Fashioned was made and popularized at the Kentucky Pendennis Club. Honestly, the history of this drink is almost more interesting than the flavor of the drink itself. 

In honor of the drink, the club that created it even hosts and annual ball. The glass used for the cocktail even bears its name. 


This sucker is the granddaddy of modern cocktails, and you better respect it for that.


Variants:


There is a lot of debate over the 'proper' way to mix an old fashioned. The recipe listed above is only one version, and chances are if you call that the 'real' one you are going to find yourself in a fight with some cocktail snob.

Dr. Feelgood

So one day I found myself, as us fragile humans are known to do, seeking some medical attention. A chronic problem of little consequence had finally annoyed me enough to do something about it, so I found myself in my university's Wellness Center sitting face to face with a stuttering young lass who couldn't have been wearing her spiffy white coat for more than a year. 

Now don't get me wrong, this woman was very intelligent and very much a doctor, but she clearly had some things to learn when it came to dealing with actual patients. The particular medication I was going to be put on for my problem had some side effects. Mostly normal stuff: nausea, headaches, ect. However, it also had a handful of side effects of the sexual nature. Nothing serious; My rocket was and is still more reliable than the shuttle program. If anything, the effects (with such gems as delayed orgasms) were going to improve my performance in the bedroom. Honestly, it felt a little bit like I was loading the dice. 

However, this didn't make it any easier for my doctor to talk about.

Doc: ~ahem~ As you probably realize there will be a number of side effects, as there is with any medication. You may experience nausea, headaches, fatigue, and....uh....

Me: And?

Doc: Well, there will be side effects of a...different...more personal nature.

Me: What do you mean?

Doc: Side effects of a....sexual nature.

Me: Really?

Doc: Yes, you may experience...um...

Me: I'm sorry doc, if this is uncomfortable for you I can just read up on the meds myself.

Doc: No, no. Not uncomfortable at all. ~Nervous shifting~ Just some simple medical facts, no reason either of us need be embarrassed. Many patients have reported a delay in their...um....

Me: Really doc, don't worry about it. Not really gonna be a problem right now anyway.

Doc: ~Look of surprise~ Really? 

Me: Yeah, bit of a dry spell. 

Doc: Well you know, it could be a problem in the future.

Me: Nah, not seeing it happening any time soon.

Doc: ~Standing and crossing the room~ Are you sure? It could be relevant real, real soon.

::Cue soft jazz::

 Let me cure all that ails you

....alright, so I made up that last bit. The rest is the honest truth.


 

Can you Digg it?

Hello kids, and welcome to an update full of shameless whoring. 


1. Digg

For those of you new to this whole "internet" thing, Digg is an organizational website where people can submit web content they like, and then have it ruthlessly criticized and voted down into oblivion by people who feast on the pain and suffering of web content developers. 

Of course, on the off chance enough people like it, it can make it to the front page and attract countless more readers. 

Using my advanced knowledge of computer science and web development*, I was able to add a handy little Digg button to the bottom of every post. Like a post and think the rest of the internet might like it (hint: they probably won't)? Click submit. Someone already submitted it to Digg (...wait, really?)? Go ahead and click the same button, which should now allow you to digg it up. 

*Also known as liberal use of google and Ctrl+f and Ctrl+v


2. Facebook


I hear that the kids these days are using some new fangled business called Facebook. Word on the street is its like Myspace, except with less 14 year olds and terrible html editing. 


As a man who likes to be on the cutting edge, I figured it was high time I made a facebook page so you kids could declare your fandom of SFT to all of your 'friends'. 


3. Twitter


Want to complete the trifecta of Somewhat Funny Fandom? Then make sure to follow me on Twitter. It really is an incredible service. I mean, who would have guessed that 140 characters of unforgettable text was the perfect medium for my prolific wisdom?


Not sure what all the fuss is about twitter? Here is a sample of an average twitter account (courtest of cracked.com and Dr. Mister Cody):

A Series of Poor Decisions: The Twitter Song -- powered by Cracked.com

Haus of WTF!?

1. Lady Gaga

Alright, I know I am going to catch a lot of flak for this, but this outstandingly crazy lady has held my attention for a couple of days now.

Now, before you internet trolls start pelting my comment threads with shit like "lol fag" and "stfu laddy gaga is the best! U r fuking retard!", let me point out that my recent obsession with the woman has nothing to do with her prowess as a pop idol. Sure, her music is pretty good, but pop isn't really my thing.

What holds my attention is the fact the she is 100% pants-shittingly crazy.

Case and point, if you pre-order the special edition of her new album, you will be blessed with a collectors book containing such gems as:

-A paper doll collection
-3d glasses to "view upcoming lady gaga visuals"
-a lock of lady gaga's hair.

I am going to reiterate a point there, just to make sure you fully appreciate it.

A LOCK OF HER FUCKING HAIR!

So basically, they are selling a Lady Gaga home stalker kit. Awesome.

2. NaNoWrimo

The novel is coming along nicely. Expect to see a readable draft a ways into December, as I am going to have to edit this sucker. 

On the united front, nanowrimo writers have finally broken a billion, with the official word count at this writing being 1,180,108,102. For comparison, that is almost one word per person in China.

 











And in case you were wondering, they have a lot



3. Bad Romance

That's right, I am not done with you Lady Gaga. 

 
Holy shit, zombie apocalypse!?

Don't worry picture caption, that's just a screen capture from the lady's latest music video, or as I like to call it: the world viewed through a lens of pure, unfiltered madness. 

Seriously, this video is like 2001 A Space Odyssey meets BDSM meets the slave trade meets Thriller. Single best part though?

Gold plated headgear?

No, it's actually the fact that at about 2:44 in the video some guys bid on Lady Gaga with...

Wiimotes!

Well, more specifically the nun-chuck attachment. But still, they are bidding on a human being with the controller for the most family friendly system on the market. 

I had some jokes for that, but honestly they just seem redundant now.

Churchill Reject

Desire:

A nice cigar to unwind after a long day.

Idea:

Purchase a Churchill reject from the local smoke shop

Seemed Good Because:

Well, when I got in there I realized I only had two bucks in my wallet, and I really didn't want to go hit an ATM. Figured that some of the smaller varieties of Acids only cost a couple of buck, so I should be good. Of course, just my luck, the selection is crap and the cheapest Acid is seven bucks.

But lo, there is a full sized cigar for only $1.67!

Actually Terrible Because:

It tasted like getting punched in the mouth by Winston Churchill while he told you about his sexual conquest of your mother.

Moral of the Story:

Some day, I will learn to stop skimping on my vices.

Long Island Iced Tea

Happy Thirsty Thursday folks.

Drink:

Long Island Iced Tea

Recipe:

1 part Vodka

1 part Tequila

1 part Rum

1 part Gin

1 part Triple Sec

1 and 1/2 parts Sweat and Sour mix

1 splash Cola

Mix ingredients together over ice in a highball glass. Pour into a shaker and give one brisk shake. Pour back into the glass and make sure there is a touch of fizz at the top. Garnish with lemon.

Description:

Originally conceived in the 70s by a gent named Robert (Rosebud) Butt, the Long Island Iced Tea is traditionally a summer drink. Given our freakish Indian summer here in Michigan, figured it was appropriate.

You might be wondering why its named after Iced Tea if there isn't any in it. Or maybe you are wondering what that rash on your junk is and if you should see a doctor. Well whatever, I am the only one here and I don't deal with rashes. Despite being mostly various alcohols, this concoction tastes remarkably like iced tea (mildly tolerable). This seems highly improbable, considering the content, which means that our buddy Robert was either a bartending genius or the luckiest bastard on the planet.



Mentioning the alcohol content, be careful with this one. It contains a lot more booze than your average mixed drink. It will fuck you up something fierce. 


Variants:


There aren't a lot of official variants to the Long Island. The main thing you will see out there  is having the sour mix replaced with some manner of citrus juice (especially outside the US, where sour mix isn't very popular).

Happy Veteran's Day

 1. Veteran's Day

This is not a joke, motherfucker. The fine men and women of the US armed forces, past and present, deserve your respect and admiration. If you know a vet, be sure to buy them a drink, take them out to dinner, give them sexual favors, or find them a nice card. If you know someone in active service, be sure to send them your love and respect (I hear they prefer it in the form of care packages containing food and the like).

If it weren't for these real American heroes (No, not GI Joes. Fuck GI Joe), I wouldn't have the freedom to make a complete ass of myself on the internet, and you can be damned sure you wouldn't be able to read it.

So, to all the service men and women out there, current and former, I raise my glass to you, and thank you for putting yourselves in harms way to protect the rest of us.

2. The Accursed Day Star

Ok, so for those of you not in Michigan this might seem completely normal, but right now its bright and sunny with not a cloud in the sky. On November 11, in Michigan.

What

the

FUCK!?

Its not even cold out. Did someone slip Mother Nature a roofie or something? This is like ten different kinds of wrong.

And you are all probably thinking: 'But James, its warm and sunny out, isn't that great?'

No. As an individual who only experiences daylight while nursing a hangover, I greatly appreciate Michigan's tendency to produce cloudy, cold days. If its cold as balls a guy walking down the street hunched over with a surly look on his face is just pissed off at the cold, not a hung over or still drunk. If its cloudy, the sunlight won't scorch my sensitive, morning after a party eyes.

Fuck you sun.

Chicken Shack

Desire:
Some delicious fried chicken.

Idea: 

Thought I might get me some chicken from the local Chicken Shack.

 
Seemed good because: 

The old standby for deep friend goodness, KFC, was closed for some damn reason.

 

 








Chicken uprising perhaps?

So if I wanted some dead bird boiled in oil I Chicken Shack was my only option.



Actually terrible because:  




For fuck's sake, its called CHICKEN SHACK! Just reading the name should make your digestive system upset. 



Now, in their defense I only ever went to the one Chicken Shack. Maybe at others the food isn't like ingesting chunks of deep fried ulcer with a heaping side of acid reflux. 
Maybe





Moral of the story:


If it sounds like it will almost kill you, it probably will.

Updates: It's what's for dinner

Good Tuesday ladies and gentleman (especially you ladies ;] ). There wasn't an update yesterday as I was busy fighting my brother in a bloody gang war to decide who would claim our deceased father's underground criminal empire (totally won, by the way), so I will giving you kids a double dose of the good stuff today. That's right, prepare to be double penetrated by the gleeful prose of James Harper.

1. NaNoWriMo

So, looks like the code monkeys over at nanowrimo.org finally got the back end working with some semblance of order. The main page finally has an accurate word count (I hope), and as of this writing folks have written a whopping 749,689,061 words. Just for a small bit of comparison, were each of those words US dollars, nanowrimo would be exceeding the GDP of American Samoa by over 400,000,000.

 Of course, American Samoa looks like way more fun than writing a novel

Of course, all is not perfect. While the widget to track my word count worked for a little while, it looks like its down again. Anyway, I encourage you to use the donate link over yander --->
to give nanowrimo your hard earned cash.


2. Agents of Cracked


As some of you may know, cracked.com is one of my favorite websites. Containing daily articles that are almost as hilarious as mine. Well, turns out they have just started up a new web series called Agents of Cracked, starring their columnists Michael Swaim and Daniel O'Brien. 

Two Men, In a Race Against Time, Trapped Inside a Trailer -- powered by Cracked.com

There is the trailer, which amuses me. The first two episodes are already live, and you can expect to see one each weekday here. Its good stuff.

Well folks, there you have it. Expect part two of today's update to go live around 1:30.

Yeah, there has been a lot of this lately

So, I was writing an update and spending some time in my favorite chatroom at the same time today, and realized that whatever I was writing could not possibly be a funny as this:

___

James: Xina, honey, you need to start talking to your mother before
 accusing me of sexual inexperience

Xina: James, just got off the phone with my mother.  She laughed at your
 claim of sexual power over her and claims you still lack any real sexual
 experience.

Xina: he can't confirm that you didn't talk some other gullible woman into it,
 but says that while you were there last night, she took one look and laughed.

___

hot girl: Do you want something Special ? come here http://lnk.ly/os0  (18+ only)

James: oh, hey hot girl

James: hows it going?

Xina: she left, james

James: :[

Xina: and you don't really have a chance with that bot

James: yeah, totally looking to get into that scripts pants

James: I like my women full of loops and canned messages

James: nothing gets me going like a good system.out.println

Xina: :P

Your_mom_did/was/is: at least she'll never talk back

Your_mom_did/was/is: and makes WAY more sense than a regular woman

Your_mom_did/was/is: i again wish these had time stamps

Shorty: I gave your sister a time stamp

Xina: it was right above her tramp stamp

___


Some day, Xina, there will be a reckoning between us. On that day, one of us shall die.

Tequila Sunrise

Hello folks, and a happy Thirsty Thursday to you!

Drink:

Tequila Sunrise

Recipe:

2 parts Tequila

Orange Juice

2 dashes Grenadine Syrup

Pour tequila in a highball glass with ice, and top with orange juice. Stir. Add grenadine by tilting glass and pouring grenadine down side by flipping the bottle vertically very quickly. The grenadine should go straight to the bottom and then rise up slowly through the drink. Garnish stirrer, straw and cherry-orange.

Description:

This delightful little beverage delivers on two levels: taste and presentation. Its quite delicious, and if you do it right the sunrise effect makes it look amazing.



Despite the resemblance to a sunrise, I believe this drink is so named because you should drink it first thing in the morning, as part of a well balanced breakfast*.

Also, large amounts of orange juice and anti-oxidant rich pomegranate syrup give this drink the James Harper Anti-Cold/Flu seal of approval.

*actually drinking a tequila sunrise first thing in the morning means you are an alcoholic. Seek help.

Variants:

Tequila Sunset: Exact same recipe, but layer the ingredients backwards. As clever as you might think you are mixing it this way in the evening, most people will just think you fucked up a tequila sunrise.

Astronaut Sunrise: Replace orange juice with Tang. I really cannot understand people's obsession with adding tang to everything under the sun. The stuff is horrible.

Blarg

GO GO GADGET UPDATE!

1. Rhinovirus

So, turns out this little bastard managed to worm its way into my system some time. Now I am suffering from a delightful little cold.

This does raise some questions though, mainly like why the hell is it called the rhinovirus if you don't get it from rhinos...

Not pictured: Anything to do with the rhinovirus

...nor does it turn you into one?

Pictured: What the rhinovirus should totally do

 

Wishful thinking aside, it also calls into question the James Harper Anti-Cold/Flu program*, which I have been following near religiously since the season started. While not approved by the Food and Drug Administration (actually, they openly mocked me when I submitted it for their consideration), I was confident that the program was a sure fire way to keep illness at bay. Oh well, guess its time to fall back on the tried but true James Harper Cold/Flu Contingency program**

*Consume two to three screwdrivers per day, making sure to use real orange juice in mixing. Sleep a maximum of four hours nightly.

**Start each day with a dose of  Pseudoephedrine chased by a tequila sunrise. Continue administering two to three screwdrivers daily. 

2. Other Blogs

Just want to take a moment to draw your attention to another blog created by a friend of mine.

Tales of a Mad Scientist

In my time at a school dedicated to science and engineering, I met some interesting people. Among them is a chemist from the tropics that I have little doubt will find himself living in a secret volcano lair very soon...

3. Nanowrimo

Turns out the webmasters over at Nanowrimo.org are....less then competent. According to their advanced word tallying algorithms the total word count for the hundreds of thousands of participants is zero.

"Man, three days at this computer and I still got nothin'. I hope the other writers are doing better."

Also, it appears as though the word tracking widget I was going to put up is on the fritz too, so if you want to keep up to speed on my progress (and lets face it, you know you don't have better things to do), you're going to have to hit up my profile. 

The donate link has been successfully changed though, so go give nanowrimo your hard earned cash so they can pay someone to fix this mess.