Apple Pie

Drink:

Apple Pie

Recipe:

1 Gallon Apple Juice

1/2 Gallon Apple Cider

3-4 Cinnamon Sticks

1 Liter Everclear 

Combine juice, cider, and cinnamon sticks in large pan. Simmer on stove top, taking care to avoid boiling, for aprox. 2 hours. Remove from heat and add Everclear. Allow to cool to room temperature, then serve.

Description:

No

No

...what

There we go.

Apple pie is a surprising concoction. Despite the significant amount of high proof grain alcohol, the final product (if properly prepared) has little to no alcoholic bite and actually does taste quite a bit like taking a bite of it's namesake. 

Despite it's high alcohol content, its not terribly worrisome to most drinkers as few I have met are interested in more then a single glass; much like actual apple pie, many will find the sweet richness to be a bit much if a second is consumed.

Apple pie is easily prepared in large quantities, stores and keeps extremely well, is palatable even to those that are squeamish about hard liquor, and is best served at room temperature as opposed to chilled. These traits make it an excellent contribution to an event or gathering. 

I would offer a few tips:

• If you live in the Northwest, this drink is best made in fall when you can get fresh cider and juice from local orchards. This will increase the quality of the final product greatly.
• There doesn't seem to be a notable difference in strength of the final product whether you use 151 proof Everclear or the rarer 190 proof variety, so don't worry if only the lower proof is available in your area.
• Some folks try to fancy up the recipe by adding more spices or caramel. This is ill advised, and I have yet to come across any additions to the recipe that positively impact it's taste.
• It makes a great gift, especially around the holidays. Whip up a batch and dole it out into mason jars (adding a stick of cinnamon to each if you are feeling fancy) for a round of nice gifts with a rustic charm.

The line between "Rustic" and "White-Trashy" is pretty thin.

I got no time for livin', Yes, I'm workin' all the time

3:23 AM

James Harper arrives home intoxicated on unknown substance

6:00 AM

Alarm rings. 

6:01 AM

Alarm destroyed. Cause unknown. 

6:32 AM

James Harper crawls out of bed.

7:00 AM

Shift Starts

7:26 AM

Arrives at work.

7:30 AM

Begins preparing rotisserie chickens.

7:36 AM

Told to stop using chickens as puppets and get back to work

8:16 AM

Deli paged to accept phone call. Transcript of conversation follows.

James: Deli, this is James speaking. How may I help you?

Customer: I need to order some friend chicken

James: Very good. Can I get your name?

Customer: Jack [censored]

James: And your phone number?

Customer: 810-[censored]

James: Excellent. What time would you like to pick this up?

Customer: Tomorrow at 5 ok?

James: Sure. We will have it ready for you. How many pieces would you like?

Customer: 32

James: Excellent. The full assortment of breasts, thighs, wings and legs or just the dark meat?

Customer: Better include the white meat, my wife doesn't like the dark stuff.

James: Alright, that will be $39.96

Customer: Hey, don't you try and jip me buddy! It should only be $23.96!

James: I'm sorry, what?

Customer: It says here in the ad that boxes of fried chicken are on sale for $5.99. Their are 8 pieces in a box, 4 boxes equals 32 pieces, 4 time $5.99 is $23.96!

James: Ah, I am sorry sir, but that sale price is only for the 12 piece dark meat chicken boxes. If you would like to change your order to dark meat, it will be $15.97.

Customer: Oh, well I don't want just dark meat.

James: Alright then, your total will be $39.96.

Customer: But I want the sale price!

James: Well then sir, we seem to be at an impasse.

Customer: You are going to give it to me at $15.97!

James: Really? Because if that is so not only would I be misappropriating a sale price, but I would be doing it incorrectly because, as you stated, if the sale price is applied to 8 piece boxes the price would be $23.97.

Customer: What!?

James: If that is the case, not only do I lack a respect for authority and store policy, but also have an incredibly poor grasp of logic and basic arithmetic.

Customer: Hey! Don't...

James: I am sorry sir, I need to go report myself for managerial review based on the highly suspect actions I have been told I am about to perform.

Customer: What the [censored]

-call ended-

9:30 AM

Deli phone-line found inoperable. Upon inspection it is discovered the cable was forcefully ripped from the wall.

Review of security tapes pending managerial approval.

10:30 AM

Irate and violent customer restrained at store entrance. Customer weilded a lead pipe and shouted incoherently about "Big words" and "Gypsy chicken logic".

Police contacted.

Deli employee James Harper reprimanded for laughing and making goading statements at the scene.

11:13 AM

Deli employee James Harper no where to be found. Store director's car also missing.

Delays

I seem to have ingested something that is causing me a great deal of physiological stress. Expect an update later this evening, when the effects have hopefully worn off. 

Editor's Note: How many times do I have to tell you, do not, under any circumstances, ingest anything given to you by Mr. McGookey.

Seriously, what the fuck was that?

Death in the Afternoon

Drink:

Death in the Afternoon

Recipe:

1.5 oz Absinthe 

3 oz Champagne

Poor Absinthe in bottom of wine glass or champagne flute. Top with chilled champagne.

Description:

Delicious

 Alright, lets get this out of the way first: Fuck Ernest Hemmingway's writing. Seriously, it sucks balls. The point of symbolism is to be subtle, not to be the written equivalent of a cudgel to beat a point into your readers. And untagged dialog isn't a stylistic flair, its poor form that makes conversations with more then two participants an huge pain to follow.

Ok, I think that is it. 

Stream of consciousness is just a run on sentence. A 12 year old would be reprimanded for writing like that.

Whoo, ok, done now. 

Editor's note: Is it really neccesary to insult a prominent literary figure in a piece about alcohol?

Author's note: YES.

Anyway, despite his failing as a writer I do feel the need to respect him as a man. He has done many badass things, not the least of which is creating this cocktail.

Like any drink with Absinthe, Death in the Afternoon packs a hefty punch. Controversial hallucinogenic properties aside, the spirit is generally anywhere from 90–148 proof (for comparison most common off the shelf liquors such as whiskey and vodka are at a standard 80 proof). In it traditional preperation, this is mitigated by dilution. As you might imagine, dilution with MORE ALCOHOL is significantly less effective.

If your liver can handle it though, this is a surprisingly delightful drink. The black licorice like flavor of the Absinthe adds an interesting twist to the usual taste of the bubbly. 

Variantions:

Hemingway's original recipe went like this: "Pour 1 jigger of absinthe into a champagne glass. Add iced champagne until it attains the proper opalescent milkiness. Drink three to five of these slowly."

 Badass

Stuff You Want

Hey there folks. How is the peasantry doing today?

As you may know (here is looking at you, FBI surveillance squad ;] ), I have a tendency to peruse the darker and edgier parts of the internet.

Not there.

Christ, do you think I am insane?

In my travels I have found some interesting products. Some are on sale, some are just personal projects, but they are all amazing. Here are a couple of the best:

1. The Clap-Off Bra

Shown here being the best thing ever.

The Clap-Off Bra is the genius invention of Randy Sarafan, who was apparently trying to replicate some of the novelty undies marketed in Syria (Mental Note: Book ticket to Syria). He built the contraption with a number of electronic components, that I have very little understanding of, to release in response to two quick claps, as shown in this purely informational video:

The Clap-Off Bra from Randy Sarafan on Vimeo.

If you want to make one for yourself, go ahead and check out the Instructable. If you are also interested in the LED heart nipple covers, Randy has your back on that too. 

Also, special mention to Danica Uskert, who modeled the invention. She has three instructables herself, and two of them involve breasts. That makes her aces in my book. 

2. The Confession App

Have you recently beaten a hooker for overcharging you and sullying your good name, only to make her drive herself to the hospital because you didn't want to get off the couch or stop oogleing the sweet houses on cribs or stop eating that double bacon cheeseburger? 

Want to confess this sin to your local clergyman, but don't want to forget a detail and accidentaly condemn yourself to eternal fire? 

There is an app for that

I kind of wish I was kidding.

That is right, there is now an official iPhone app for Catholics to keep track of their sins so they can better atone for them. It's even been officially approved by the boys in Rome!

For the low price of £1.19 ($1.99) you too can own this useful tool! 

While its still in its early life and I am sure the development team is focused on bug fixes right now, I do want to throw out a couple suggestions for future updates: 

1. Port this sucker to Android. I don't have an iPhone, but I would really love an app to track my sins. Not to confess them, but just because I like to keep score. 
1. Besides, iPhone users sold their soul to Steve Job's to get the damned thing, they are already a lost cause.
2. Add the option to share your sins on Facebook and Twitter. I would love to be able to view my friends' sins and let them like and comment on mine.
3. Geotagging! I can't be the only one who wants to keep track of where I sinned. 
1. It could be like foursquare! James Harper became the mayor of Dort Highway (Lust)!

Boy Eats Girl

The Thing: 

Boy Eats Girl

This poster has little to do with the actual movie.

Still pretty awesome though.

As IMDB puts it: "A boy declares his love for his girlfriend, only to die the same night. He is brought back to life by his mother as a flesh-craving zombie, who sires more teen undead while trying to control his, er, appetite for his beloved."

Why it is worth your time:

Despite what IMDB and the poster might tell you, this movie isn't about a lovestruck kid kicking off a zombie apocalypse. No, this movie is about the worst mother in the universe. 

The first chunk of the movie involves some typical high school drama bullshit. Dude likes girl but doesn't want to compromise their friendship, his buddies force him to stop being such a pussy, misunderstandings and hilarious comedic errors ensue. 

Some collars get popped, you know the drill.

Anyway, our protagonist thinks he gets rejected (for anyone who has never seen a teen comedy, he is mistaken) and goes home to get blitzed. He toys around with killing himself with the noose that holds his stuffed animal (no, I am not making that up). Deciding against it, he he dies anyway when his mother busts in to turn down his music and knocks the chair out from under him.

I told you what would happen if you disobeyed me again. 

I told you!

Anyway, at this point his mother doesn't break down in tears over the death of her son, or try and resuscitate him (Seriously, he fell like a foot, takes way more then that to snap a neck. CPR that bitch and he will be fine). No, instead she uses a voodoo ritual she found in a secret crypt at her job (no, they never really clarify what that is, all we know is it involves a lab coat and hanging out in a church) to resurrect her son. We get a brief montage of the the ritual before seeing our protagonist wake up. 

That is right, she kills her son, steals an eldritch tome and performs a dark ritual of resurrection IN ONE NIGHT. I don't know how many dark rituals you do, but I can assure you that the 24 hour Wal Mart doesn't have a "goat's blood and sacrificial knife" department.

So this shit was just lying around or...?

The crazy old priest from her church, who I call Father Exposition because all he ever does is show up to dump critical plot info, shows up and tells her the book was incomplete and that those brought back will crave human flesh. So naturally she admits what she did, restrains her son, and works with the (clearly knowledgeable) priest to set things right?

Nope, she lies to get Father Exposition to leave and then lets her son go about his business without anything more then the occasional veiled question about his well being.

It goes about as well as you would expect.

After the whole town becomes infected and the only survivors are, predictably, the protagonist and his friends and loved ones, she FINALLY goes to the priest for help, where she lucks on the cure for zombie-ism. So the whole town is saved, right?

Nope

Turns out Generic Female Love Interest killed most of the zombies. But hey, that's not mom's fault right? She got back as fast as she could, it just happened to be slower then that girls farm implement. Yeah, except that she only brought enough cure for her son.

Did I mention the cure is a snakebite? 

So, quick tally, the mom's crimes include:

1. Manslaughter (Accidentally killing her son)

2. Breaking and entering (Stealing the ancient tome)

3. Corpse desicaration (Yeah, the book was clutched in a dead guys arms)

4. Animal Cruelty (That ritual blood had to come from somewhere)

5. Bio-terrorism (She knowingly releases the carrier of a deadly disease into the wild) 

6. Criminal Negligence (She allows her infected son to kill several infected while she had access to the cure)

Awesome.

Why people will tell you it isn't:

Its a shitty movie. Seriously, the writing isn't for shit and the acting is mediocre at best.

But that's the thing. Even though this tries to be a zom-com like Shaun of the Dead or Night of the Living Dorks, the jokes fall flat and the zombie action in minimal at best, its still hilarious. The bad acting, non nonsensical plot, and poor acting lead to so many unintentionally hilarious moments it is absolutely worth a shot.

Grab this dvd, a few friends and a case of beer and I can guarantee an enjoyable night.

Shots!

 Notice: Crunk Juice recipe not included

Drink:

Jager-Bombs

Recipe:

1/2 can Red Bull

1 shot Jagermeister

Pour RedBull into a highball glass, drop in shot of Jager and chug.

Description:

Class in a glass

Hey, what is douchier then doing shots of Jager?

Oh, oh, oh, I know! Adding RedBull!

Drink:

Lemon Drop

Recipe:

1 oz Vodka

1 oz Lemon Juice

Pour ingredients into shot glass, then consume.

Description:

 Not the same sugary treat you might remember

Man, I love how fucked up Vodka makes me, but I am too cheap to buy Vodka that doesn't taste like shame and failure.

Oh, oh, oh, I know! I will mix it with lemon juice and then drink it really fast!

Drink:

Buttery Nipple

Recipe:

1 oz Buttershots

1/2 oz Irish Creme

Pour ingredients into shot glass, then consume.

Description:

 No, Lil Jon is not just being crude. Its an actual thing.

My friends keep ragging on me for being a pansy when I take a shot. Its not my fault I gag and have to chase it with a sip of my cosmo!

Oh, oh, oh, I know! I will do a shot of slightly alcoholic coffee creamer!

Drink:

Jello Shots

Recipe:

1 package jello

1 cup boiling water

1 cup rum

Prepare jello according to package instructions, substituting rum for a potion of the called for water. Chill until solidified and consume.

Description:

 Any excuse to use this picture.

Any.

Alas, I do miss the days of my youth. Frolicking in the green grass for hours, not a care in the world. If only there was a way to recapture that feeling. Aha! I will make jello! It was my favorite treat as a lad!

...this isn't helping as much as I thought it would.

Oh, oh, oh, I know! I will add rum! Rum makes everything better!

Drink:

Kamikaze

Recipe:

3/4 oz vodka

3/4 oz triple sec

3/4 oz sweet and sour mix

2 pinches sugar

Pour ingredients in shaker, add ice, mix, strain into shot glass and consume.

Description:

 Taste the divine wind with your friends!

Wow, this isn't a shot. This is a little glass of candy. This is going to make people question my masculinity even more then the cosmo!

Oh, oh, oh, I know! I will give it a bitching name! Like suicide bomber!

Wait, that's insensitive. No one remembers World War Two right? I will just use their version.

Drink:

Three Wise Men

Recipe:

Johnny Walker

Jim Beam

Jack Daniels

Add equal parts to shot glass. Consume. Die.

Description:

 A proud, christian tradition.

No joke here.

Don't be a pussy, go the full nine.

Drink:

Gin

Recipe:

Gin

Pour in shot glass. Consume.

Description: 

 Its like Christmas in your mouth!

You know, I really love the taste of pine tree, but my stomach just can't handle all that tree bark. 

Oh, oh, oh, I know! Gin!

Watch the police and the tax man miss me.

Holy shit, blogger finally came out with an official android app! Its seems a little bare bones at the moment, but its still leaps and bounds beyond any of the unofficial apps. Look out world, now I can blog from anywhere*!

Also, here is a picture of a newsstand, because I fucking can.

*mostly the bar.

Performance Review

SNOWMAGGEDON!!!!

As anyone in this quarter of the US can tell you, Old Man Winter has been mercilessly pounding us with snow and ice and wind. Here in the Flint area everything is pretty much shut down, as it is for most of the state. 

Reports are scattered and conflicting, but from my own measurements and observations it would seem the snow on the ground is somewhere between "Call into work and dig out the snowblower" and "bottle of scotch and a blanket" levels.

It's a complicated measurement

 So I would recommend to everyone out there: Don't go out unless you absolutely have to. While it would amuse me greatly if you got trapped in a snowdrift and froze to death because of recklessness, it would mean I would have less readers.