Da Club

Desire:

The entirety of my adult life (and a good chunk of my adolescence) has been spent frequenting bars. I have run the whole series:

Dives

Pubs

A Real Bar

Opium Dens

You know, all the best places to go.  However, it seems the trend these days is for young adults to gather in "Clubs". Normally I would dismiss this out of hand, but word on the street was it involved drunk women in little clothing rubbing on you suggestively, which I believe warranted further study.

Idea:

Some friends of mine who went to one of the wilder party schools in the state invited me and some other folks out to see "How real schools do it". The agenda was to include visiting a club with a bold reputation among the locals. Seemed like a decent way to try it out.

Actually Terrible Because: 

OK, I am willing to admit that the first problem is entirely coincidental and not typical of all clubs. However, it did effect my experience that night. 

There had been a Ke$sha concert in town that night, and this club was hosting the after party.

Ew

I would estimate that this made the clientele at least 58% more trashy. Anyway, entering the club was quite unlike anything I had experienced before. First and foremost, it was hot as balls. This was probably caused by the second problem I noticed, there were way too many people.

Fucking seriously.

Alright, huge mass of trashy people dancing to bad pop noise, I was going to need a drink for this.

Well shit.

So we ventured into the mass, completely sober, to try and do this dancing thing while minimizing contact with those potentially carrying the plague. 

Pictured: Patient Zero

I won't lie, I am not the most coordinated person in the world but I have done some dancing from time to time and figured I could hold my own. My group had more or less paired off amongst themselves, leaving me looking for a partner. This seemed to solve itself when a random girl bumped into me in her wild thrashings, and decided I would make as good a partner as any. What I can only assume was her friend accompanying her smiled and made an encouraging motion to me, so I decided what the hell and went for it. 

This was a mistake.

Apparently, modern dancing largely consists of what people refer to as the "Bump and Grind", in which a woman turns her back to her partner and suggestively rubs herself across his body. This sounds great in theory, but this girl seemed intent on using her hindquarters to pulverize my genitals. 

Like this, but with more blunt force trauma

Three days later my junk still kind of hurts, the smell of sweat won't come out of my clothes, and I am sworn to never enter a club ever again.