Consumerism: The True Meaning of Christmas

Hello there everyone. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving (or, as it is generally considered these days: "Christmas, Episode I: The Phantom Cultural Significance"). Now that all the leftovers are gone and the family has (finally) went home, its officially the Christmas Season!

And by that I mean Shopping Season!

(Note: For those of different faiths, fear not. Hanukkah runs December 1-9, Kwanzaa December 26-January 1, and Saturnalia December 17-23, so its not too late to consumerize your holiday of choice! Or hell, just celebrate Christmas. Its not like its really all that christian anymore.)

Editor's Note: Damnit James, don't make me send you to another cultural sensitivity seminar.

Now, maybe you are a little behind in your shopping. Maybe on turkey day you started drinking when Grandma asked why you never brought a girl around to family events. Maybe you switched to hard liquor a couple hours later when Uncle Steve asked if you were ever going to move out of your parent's house. Maybe you decided to spend the rest of the weekend in a blacked out stupor when you woke up the next morning in bed with your cousin Susan, and subsequently missed Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Its ok, we aren't here to judge, just to help.

Editor's note: That's a lie. I am actually here to judge.

So here are some delightful gifts to pick up for that special someone.

1. 40cozie

I am sure you are all familiar with the little neoprene can cozies that always seem to find themselves around redneck's bud cans. They are a fine gift for the alcoholics in your family.

But alas, you find yourself buying for someone who is too cheap and shameless even for low grade cans of beer. Those dinky little things will never protect their 40oz bottles of Steel Reserve! Fear not, 40cozies are here.

And they aren't afraid to class up the joint.

2. Lady Gaga Prayer Candle

As part of a round of merch promoting her video Alejandro (No, I am not linking it. Go look it up yourself if you are such a masochist), my arch-nemesis, Lady Gaga, has released a prayer candle with her likeness. 

Damn, and Jim thought I was culturally insensitive.

Its perfect for either pleasing that Gaga cultist you know, or horribly offending Grandma.

3. Phone VIBRATOR

Have a ~ahem~ "special friend" out there who you might not be able to spent enough "time" with due to distance, but still want to "Satisfy" them with a special "toy"...

OK, fuck the euphemism. Are you screwing/screwing with someone who lives far away? Do you want to get them a sex toy for Christmas but won't be there in person? No worries, just drop a quick 2.99 USD and send the phone VIBRATOR app to them.

Nothing could be more romantic.

Warning: I am no expert, but I am going to guess that putting your phone against your genitals or inside any orifice is probably going to void most warranties and is likely not to sanitary.

Why I am not allowed to play DnD anymore

"Alright," The Dungeon Master said, sitting at the head of the table, calculating eyes peering over his DM screen. "The entire party has been introduced except you, James. Where is your character?"

"Well," I said, setting down my can of Mountain Dew. "What time of day is it?"

"Its early evening." 

"Alright, my character doesn't approach the town until after dark. Preferably around midnight."

"Um," The DM blinked at me. "OK, the town gate is locked up, there is a single watchman standing guard on a tower above it." 

"I ride up and request entry."

"Nay," The DM responded, doing a (really bad) voice for the NPC. "No one may enter after dark. There are monsters that rise as the sun sets. You will have to wait out the night and enter when the gate opens in the morning."

"That is fine" I said, using a (much better) voice to simulate my character. "I've gone by the point of caring, Some old bed I'll soon be sharing."

"...Uh huh," The DM replied, still in role as the guard. "Why do you ride in so late, stranger? It would have been safer to make camp hours ago."

"I've got to run to keep from hidin'," I replied, sipping my Dew, "And I'm bound to keep on ridin'."

"Is that so?"

"But I'm not gonna let 'em catch me, no."

"Alright, this is ridiculous. Give me your character sheet." 

"I don't see what the big deal is" I handed him the sheet. "I worked hard on this character."

"OK," The DM studied the sheet. "You only have one silver piece?"

"Horses are expensive"

"You don't own any clothes, how are you dressed?" 

"I don't own the clothes I am wearing."

"Damnit James," He tossed the character sheet down on the table. "You based this character of the song Midnight Rider didn't you?"

"Maybe..."

"Son of a bitch!"

"Hey now, relax" I said calmly. "I have some back up characters. Here." I handed him a couple more sheets. He leafed through them.

"A wizard with the flaws deaf, dumb and blind and the feat Spell Thematics (Silver Ball)?"

"Yeah."

"No, you can't be the Pinball Wizard." He moved to the next one. "OK, this one looks promising. Cross class Cleric/Pirate."

"With a specialization in underwater combat!" I added.

"A Holy Diver!?" He threw the character sheets back at me with disgust. In the scrambled to pick them up I knocked over my drink. "Is that whiskey? You filled a Mountain Dew can with whiskey? Get the fuck out of here."

I still think Dio is totally an acceptable deity choice.

Unknown Warrior

Drink:

Unknown Warrior

Recipe:

1 sugar cube

3 cl* Orange Liqueur

3 cl* Vodka

Blend vodka and cointreau in a shotglass. Set the drink on fire with a match. Put the piece of sugar on a fork and hold it over the flame from the drink and let it melt down into the glass. When the sugar has melted, use the palm of your hand to put out the flame.

Description:

I want you all to go out and do something for me. 

Find the nearest veteran.

Go to the bar.

Buy him this drink (or another variety, if they would prefer).

Happy Veteran's day.

Thank You.

 

*Centiliters. Its the units those other countries whose asses we kicked use.

At least two Entendre

Today, dear readers, I am going to relate to you another story told to me by my Father. For those of you who remember, my Father is a tradesman at a Grievously Mismanaged auto manufacturer. 

Back when his plant was still running full production and had a three shift rotation, he overlapped with the night crew guy by about 10 minutes. The dude was unsavory, unkempt, and had a tendency to hit on anything with a pulse (and probably a few things without).

Think this guy, but more unsavory.

 My Father wasn't a huge fan of the guy, but luckily he usually skipped out early so they rarely interacted face to face. This suited my father just fine, as he didn't really want to bump into captain lechery while on an illicit work-time romp with is less then desirable current fling: a line worker who almost matched him for unpleasantness.

Artist's rendering based on witness testimony.

Anyway, one day my Father makes it into work and checks in on the stack of maintenance orders (back in that day when they came on dead trees), to find an ambiguous one. All it stated was that "Line 12 needs a screw". Odd and undeveloped, sure, but my Father assumed that, being a large industrial machine with a number of fasteners, line 12 did, in fact, require a screw. On that logic, he headed off to investigate.

A short while later, he stomped his way into the break room, disgust written all over his face. 

"What has you so bothered?" Asked one of his coworkers. 

Instead of answering, my Father simply tossed the work order on the table in front of him. A few coworkers crowded around the table to read it.

"So, its a work order?"

"It was for the night shift guy," My Father replied. "His girlfriend works line 12 and didn't know he left early."

Ash

Buh, my brain feels like a crispy cinder for some reason today.

Pictured: Some Reason

 Back in full force tomorrow.

Redline: Power Rush

Desire: 

Something to kick-start the old gray matter.

Idea:

Hey, Redline has a energy shot out now. I know that when I tried the regular drink it was kind of rough but this is just the same thing with less water. I should be fine.

This shouldn't be too...

Actually Terrible Because:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~twitch~AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 AAAAHHHHHHHH

Moral of the Story:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~twitch~

 

Don't Vote

Warning: If you are an informed and educated individual who knows who they will be voting for and exactly why, please disregard the following. The rest of you (that's most of you, by the way), pay close attention.

As I am sure many of you know, it is an important day today: Election day. Not the presidential, true, but just as important. Everything from your state's congressmen to local school board positions are up for grabs, and it is your civic duty to get out there and make and informed decision on who should be running the government. For most of you, I have this message:

Don't vote.

You see, I am all for Democracy (though our representative government isn't a true democracy, but I digress). However, it only really works if the people voting have any damned clue what they are voting for. Do you know what your township trustee does? Did you even know your township had trustees? There are countless local positions that you almost never hear about, and honestly probably aren't even aware of until election day rolls around and you gander at your ballot. 

Do you know what any of these people do?

But your ignorance doesn't stop at the small timers does it? Do you have any idea what the candidates for congress in your state plan to do with their positions? What is their platform? What interest groups are the looking to appease?

And no, the ads you get bombarded with don't count as education on the subject. All anyone ever does with ads anymore is attack their opponent, digging up skeletons and taking quotes well outside of context. On the rare occasion where they do talk about their plans, its something vague like "create jobs" or "lower taxes". Any idea how they are going to do that?

Turns out, to make an informed decision, you need to inform yourself. That's right, you might actually have to do work for this one. Do some research: check out the candidates history, what their plan is, see what kind of stuff is in the news about them. Its not too hard, a few minutes on the old internet can provide you with the bulk of this info. 

But you didn't do any of that, did you? No, you were going to go in there and vote for the candidate whose name you heard the most, or you were going to pick a political party and just run with it down the whole ballot. Fuck you.

So, here is the deal. If you can't make an informed and educated decision today, stay home.

And Don't Vote.

All Hallow's Eve

"MORTAL!"

I jerked myself up off the floor and looked around the darkened room. It had a dirt floor and stone walls, and a cold and murk permeated the whole place and suggested it was underground. The only other figure in the room stood in the center of a pentagram drawn on the floor, ringed in candles.

 

 Also, he was a horrifying demon.

"MORTAL! YOU HAVE GONE TO GREAT LENGTHS AND PAID A GREAT COST TO SUMMON ME! WHAT IS IT YOU SEEK FROM THE FALLEN?"

"Ok, wow, if you could maybe dial back the volume a bit..."

"I AM ASMODEUS,  COMMANDER OF SEVENTY TWO LEGIONS OF DEMONS, LORD OF NOVEMBER AND SECOND ONLY TO LUCIFER! I LOWER MY VOICE FOR NO MERE MORTAL!"

"Relax there big guy, its just that I have this nasty hangover and..."

"WASTE NOT MY TIME! WHAT DO YOU SEEK?"

"Seek? Last thing I remember I was at a Halloween party watching the Lone Ranger dance to Bad Romance."

 Dude busts a surprisingly fresh move.

 "I CARE NOT OF THIS LONELY WANDERER OR HIS UNFORTUNATE RELATIONSHIPS!"

"Fine, fine. I don't know, could you make make the Lions win the Superbowl or something? They could use some good news"

"THIS IS BEYOND MY POWER."

"Seriously? What about just a spot in the playoffs?"

"EVEN THE DENIZENS OF HELL HAVE LIMITS."

"Oh come on. They are playing the Redskins today, can you at least make sure they win this one?"

"I WILL TRY, BUT I MAKE NO PROMISES" 

"Psh, some Lord of Hell you are."