Independence Day

Happy 4th of July! I sincerely hope that everyone is celebrating this anniversary of our nation's independence by partaking in the customary drunken consumption of German sausages while setting off Chinese pyrotechnics and insisting that these are as American as a fruit pastry popularized long before our country existed. It is our right, honor, and duty as citizens of the greatest country in the developed world to celebrate the incredible and unmatched level of freedom our forefathers fought so hard to establish.

USA! USA! USA!

In preparation for today's festivities, which involve a great deal more sunlight than I am used to, I decided to pick up a new pair of sunglasses. Determined to buy only the best, I made sure to browse the spinning rack at the gas station for at least 5 minutes. My diligence payed off:

Horatio wished his glasses were this cool.

Pleased with my new purchase, I donned the glasses and proceeded to fill my car with dead dinosaurs. After completing the refueling, I entered my vehicle, where my passenger (who was  not a prostitute, and most definitely not a discount prostitute) pointed out a feature I had not before noticed:

Huh.

This confused me a great deal. Most possible explanations were easily ruled out:

• While certainly excellent sunglasses, I could not imagine they were of the proper material or design to be worn in combat, ruling out the possibility that these were some sort of military surplus. 
• Unless that particular gas station was running a very unusual and prohibitively dangerous scam, they were not intended to be given out freely as some sort of recruitment incentive. 
• The U.S. armed forces as a whole are a little too protective of their image for someone to get away with some sort of unlicensed knockoff.

That left only one possibility: The United States Army had, for some unknown reason, decided to enter the commercial sunglasses industry, which made about as much sense as the DMV trying to market a line of footwear.

Yeah, so I guess that's a thing.

But hey, as nonsensical as it was, at least I could count on the fact that the U.S. Army would be too proud and protective of their reputation to allow their name to adorn sub-par glasses churned out by cheap child labor overseas. The Army logo was out of place, sure, but it meant I was wearing quality, American made sunglasses!

...oh.

Avengers Assemble

The Avengers

The Thing:

If you don't know about The Avengers, then I recommend you stop reading this and catch up with your family. I mean, I appreciate your dedicated readership, but really, this is not the first thing you should be doing when coming out of a coma.

Why it is Worth Your Time:

Because this:



is one of the least awesome action scenes in the movie.

And this:



is just a taste of the incredibly well written, directed, and acted dialog.

Not convinced? Here is some more:



At lets not forget what is, in all honesty, the biggest draw of the film:

This.

Also, this.

And we can't forger that.

Why People Will Tell You it Isn't:

Most folk I talked to before the film, fans of the comics or not, seemed concerned that the movie was basically going to be Tony Stark is Awesome featuring guest appearances by the Avengers. Given that Iron Man is Marvel's most popular film franchise by far and the fact that the trailer seems to feature him quite heavily, its not an unreasonable concern. I mean, Tony "Iron Man" Stark is a fantastic character and Robert Downey Jr. portrays him flawlessly, but all the properties and actors involved have merit and deserve screen time.

However, having seen the film on opening night, I can assure you that everyone gets their fair share of the action and dialog, with each character's arc working in tandem to create a greater whole. And if you can't take my word for it? Who cares!? If I am wrong or lying, Tony Stark is Awesome featuring guest appearances by the Avengers WOULD BE AWESOME.

The Eighth Rule

Rule Number Eight

Be Careful What You Ask For… You May Get It:

Can you remember when you were a kid (maybe you still are) and the goals you worked so hard for, to become a teenager, to get your first kiss, to drive a car, to own a car, to get out of the house and get your own place…. Now look where you are! Feeling old, wishing you were younger, bitching about the high cost of insurance and gasoline, never getting enough (if any) vacation time, trying to make enough money to pay the bills! Too many times we let our impulses direct our future, don’t get married just because the sex is good, don’t ask for fortune it may cost you time to smell the roses, asking for fame may cost you your loved ones. Maybe the old K.I.S.S. method is a better idea than we thought…

"I want to grow up to be a real Hollywood star!"

"...yay?"

To be entirely honest, I don't have a lot to add to this one. Literal Genie angle aside, this rule taken straight is the one I most wish I'd known way back when. There's nothing quite as depressing as realizing you have buyers remorse over shit you would have killed for as a kid.

4/20

"Dude, I am telling you," Steve lifted his reddened eyes from the sandwiches he was making to look at me. "You have to try it. You can't knock it until you've tried it."

"Yes, actually," I responded, turning my attention back to the vegetables I was cutting. "It is my right as an American citizen to criticize anything and everything, regardless of my experience with it."

My burnt out coworker shook his head and sighed. "I guarantee you will dig it if you try it. And it is way safer then the legal shit you do!"

"Seriously?" I said, again looking up from my work. "You are going to give me that line?"

"What? Its true!" He responded firmly.

"Fine," I set down my knife. With my growing frustration it was probably unwise to be holding it. "Listen, first and foremost I want to point out that I have no qualms with you choosing to partake in the old 'weed', as it were." Yes, those marks represent me making air quotes with my fingers. "However, I am sick of hearing potheads tell me I am wrong for choosing alcohol and tobacco over their precious 'pot'" More air quotes.

"But it is totally better! It won't give you lung cancer like cigarettes, it doesn't impair your driving or memory like alcohol, and its not full of processed chemicals like the both of them!"

"Really?" I sighed and rubbed my eyes. "Yeah, it doesn't have the same carcinogenic properties as tobacco, but its still not good for your lungs to smoke it. You would have to be an idiot to think that inhaling any kind of smoke is a good idea. As for your memory and ability to drive? Sure, alcohol fucks both of those up pretty fierce, but so does your precious THC. Newsflash! Getting fucked up on anything when you are about to do something that requires alertness is a stupid move. Still think the all natural angle is a selling point? Chances are your dealer is selling you some glass, lead, and possibly even Viagra along with the product." I took a deep breath and steadied myself. Ranting tended to get me a little worked up. "Like I said before, if you want to do it I am fine with that, but you have to acknowledged that all drugs, legal or not, are in some way bad for you."

A long pause stretched out as Steve stared at me blankly.

"Dude," He said finally. "Weed isn't a drug. Drugs are like, manufactured and stuff. Its a herb."

Not Pictured: Drugs, apparently.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I looked around, hoping desperately that Ashton Kutcher was going to appear to let me know how thouroughly 'Punked' I was.

"Why did you do the air qoute thing? You didn't even say anything,"

"Shut the fuck up Steve." I snapped, resigning myself to the horrible reality of the situation. "You seriously believe that? God damned penicillin is derived from a fungus, does that mean it isn't an antibiotic? Is it really better described as a mold?"

"Penicillin comes from mold? Man, I didn't know that is where it came from. I throw away tons of moldy food! That makes me even more pissed off that my doctor wouldn't give it to me. I mean, with all the mold to make it out of, why isn't there enough to give me some for my cold?"

Next thing I remember I was two states away and covered in blood. Rage blackouts are a bitch.

Rusty Nail

Happy Thirsty Thursday everyone!

Drink:

Rusty Nail

Recipe:

1 shot Scotch Whisky
½ shot Drambuie
1 Lemon Twist

Fill an Old Fashioned glass with ice. Add Scotch Whisky and Drambuie. Stir gently until glass appears frosty. Garnish with Lemon Twist and serve.

Description:

Delicious

A solid and simple drink, the Rusty Nail is made with two fairly common spirits, few frills, and absolutely no bullshit. The warmth of the Scotch plays well off of the sweetness of the Drambuie, leaving you with a drink that can please a wide range of drinkers. These properties make the Rusty Nail a fantastic staple drink for most folks, as you would be hard pressed to find a bar so poorly stocked as to not have the ingredients or a bartender inept enough to mess it up.

And you don't even need to have your shots up to date to drink it, making it superior to it's namesake in almost every way.

Variants: 

Served "Up":

Want to class up this cocktail? Why? It's called a Rusty Nail for fuck's sake. Regardless, those that have a misplaced sense of propriety and "class" like to order this drink served in a stemmed cocktail glass.

Ice:

A lot of recipes call for crushed ice instead of ice cubes, or even for the drink to be served straight up (without ice). Really a matter of personal preference and availability.

Donald Sutherland:

The Canadian version of the Rusty Nail, the Donald Sutherland replaces Scotch Whisky with Canadian Rye Whisky. Which is kind of hilarious, considering Donald Sutherland is of Scottish decent.

Graffiti

The bathroom at one of my favorite establishments.

Santorum

Happy Thirsty Thursday everyone! This week's drink is brought to you in honor of Rick Santorum finally realizing that pulling out is not a sin.

Drink:

Santorum

Recipe:

1 shot Baileys Irish Cream
1 shot Orange Vodka
1 dash Bitters
Chocolate Flakes

Shake Baileys Irish Cream and Orange Vodka over ice. Pour into a cocktail glass. Add dash of Bitters, garnish with Chocolate Flakes, and serve.

Description:

Created by some clever barkeeps in Brooklyn, this drink is named for a filthy, disgusting affront to morality and good taste, and also the byproduct of anal sex. 

While they freely disclose the contents, the clever bartenders seem not to have shared the recipe (not that I can find anyway), so the above is simply my best guess. Given that they don't let me in Brooklyn anymore (long story), I have not tried the original.

Despite its stomach-churning namesake (as well as the whole anal sex thing), the Santorum is a sweet, pleasant drink, sure to please anyone who loves both milkshakes and booze.

Variants: 

Like I said before, I don't know how the creators make theirs. Want the real deal? Guess it is time to take a trip.