Independence Day

Happy 4th of July! I sincerely hope that everyone is celebrating this anniversary of our nation's independence by partaking in the customary drunken consumption of German sausages while setting off Chinese pyrotechnics and insisting that these are as American as a fruit pastry popularized long before our country existed. It is our right, honor, and duty as citizens of the greatest country in the developed world to celebrate the incredible and unmatched level of freedom our forefathers fought so hard to establish.

USA! USA! USA!

In preparation for today's festivities, which involve a great deal more sunlight than I am used to, I decided to pick up a new pair of sunglasses. Determined to buy only the best, I made sure to browse the spinning rack at the gas station for at least 5 minutes. My diligence payed off:

Horatio wished his glasses were this cool.

Pleased with my new purchase, I donned the glasses and proceeded to fill my car with dead dinosaurs. After completing the refueling, I entered my vehicle, where my passenger (who was  not a prostitute, and most definitely not a discount prostitute) pointed out a feature I had not before noticed:

Huh.

This confused me a great deal. Most possible explanations were easily ruled out:

• While certainly excellent sunglasses, I could not imagine they were of the proper material or design to be worn in combat, ruling out the possibility that these were some sort of military surplus. 
• Unless that particular gas station was running a very unusual and prohibitively dangerous scam, they were not intended to be given out freely as some sort of recruitment incentive. 
• The U.S. armed forces as a whole are a little too protective of their image for someone to get away with some sort of unlicensed knockoff.

That left only one possibility: The United States Army had, for some unknown reason, decided to enter the commercial sunglasses industry, which made about as much sense as the DMV trying to market a line of footwear.

Yeah, so I guess that's a thing.

But hey, as nonsensical as it was, at least I could count on the fact that the U.S. Army would be too proud and protective of their reputation to allow their name to adorn sub-par glasses churned out by cheap child labor overseas. The Army logo was out of place, sure, but it meant I was wearing quality, American made sunglasses!

...oh.