Jolly Rancher Vodka

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

Drink:

Jolly Rancher Vodka

Recipe:

1.75 Liter Vodka (Most middle shelf vodkas will do. Swill will still be swill after infusion, but if you break the bank on the good stuff the superior flavor will be masked by the candy anyway)

60 Jolly Rancher Candies (12 of each flavor)

5, 8 3/4oz Containers (These classy glass flasks are recommended, but anything will do as long as it is clean)

1 Plastic Funnel (if you suck at pouring things)

Separate Jolly Ranchers by flavor. Add twelve (12) Jolly Ranchers to each container, ensuring that each container only holds one flavor of candy. Fill each container with vodka. Let sit for eight to twelve (8-12) hours. No agitation or filtering necessary. Chill and serve.

Description:

As the great poet Ogden Nash once said, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker."

But now you don't have to choose!

You all may remember the popular Skittles Vodka Infusion from way back in 2010. Well, now you can satiate your desire for [uncomfortably] childish hard alcohol with significantly more ease and in much less time!

I don't know who first came up with this particular take on "hard" candy (See what I did there? Here is a hint: there are at least two entendre going on there),

Pictured: The most likely originator

but the tutorial I used can be found at Mix That Drink.

Personally, I think this a big step up from Skittles Vodka for two reasons:

1. There are no foul tasting and insoluble binding agents in Jolly Ranchers, so no filtration is needed.

2. Jolly Ranchers are totally better then Skittles.

I am sure discussion of the second point will be nothing but respectful and informative.

Editor's Note: James, I want you to remember that I am paid by the hour, and one of my duties is screening both your email and comments sections. Its just a rough estimate, but I think you just guaranteed more pay then my annual holiday bonus.

Less time, less work, and the flavor transfers just as well. Awesome.

Be careful though, while the candy adds tons of flavor to the vodka, it does little to impact the potency. This is still ~80 proof liquor you are dealing with, so don't let yourself go overboard because it tastes like a sugary treat.

Protip: As suggested in the comments section of the tutorial, (I know right? Constructive comments, on the internet? Absurd) crushing the candies before mixing and periodically agitating the concoction will significantly reduce the dissolving time. Not necessary, but if you need some tonight and not tomorrow, this might just save your ass.

Variants:

Pre-flavored: Something I tried with Skittles Vodka back in the day that turned out pretty well, though I must admit I haven't done with Jolly Ranchers yet. Given that flavored vodkas are about a dime a dozen, consider using a matching (UV Blue with blue raspberry) or complementary (Smirnoff Blueberry with cherry) flavored vodka when making the infusion. This can intensify the flavor or add a new twist, and if you match well can result in wonderfully delicious liquids. Look here for a list of good flavor pairings.

Infused Rum: Another contribution from the tutorial's comments section (Two constructive comments‽ No fucking way, what happened to the internet?), some might find rum a better liquor for this infusion. Rum, being made from sugarcane and sugarcane by-products, is considered by some a natural partner for a sweet infusion. Personally, I am not a big fan of rum, so I haven't tried this, but if its your thing go for it.

Alternate Flavors: Like many candy brands, Jolly Ranchers have branched out from their traditional flavors over the years. If you prefer the Wild Berry or Sour varieties, feel free to use them in place of the originals. 

Mixing: Make no mistake, this stuff tastes great straight up or on the rocks, but it also works wonderfully in cocktails. Go ahead and substitute whenever another flavored vodka is called for, use it in place of plain vodka to add some fruit flavor to a drink, or, if you want to dilute it a bit without compromising the purity of the Jolly Rancher flavor, mix 1 part Jolly Rancher Vodka with 2 parts Jolly Rancher Soda of the same flavor. 

The Sixth Rule

Rule Number Six:

A Note from Twain: “Everything in moderation… Including Moderation”

Try to live your life without going overboard… but make sure you go overboard once in a while, no one can be good all the time, and no one really wants to! Don’t drink too much but get blasted now and then don’t sleep too much but never give up a day spent in bed with someone you love! People who never allow themselves to leave moderation behind don’t have a lot of fun in their lives; on the other hand people who have no moderation, cant appreciate their excesses anymore.

First and foremost, bonus points on this one for quoting Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemen), pretty much the American writer. Not only did he write The Great American Novel, he also pretty much invented the genre of Alternate History and hung around with people like Harriet "Reality Check" Beecher Stowe, Fredrick "Make Slaveholders Look Retarded" Douglas, and Nikola "Zeus" Tesla. 

He could also look kind of badass.

But enough about my iconic-author-induced-nerd-boner, what we are here to talk about it moderation. The point here is balance: don't live like a hedonistic asshole, but don't be so afraid of excess that you never have any fun.

Pictured: Only ok once in a while.

Oral

Hey there boys and girls. Sorry, but this late mobile post is all you are going to get for today. Due to an unfortunate oversight in my scheduling, I didn't get a post ready for today and have been tied up with lunch meetings and now have to head off to a dental appointment followed by work.

So, you might not get to read my hilarity today, but take comfort in knowing you don't have to get your teeth picked at with bits of sharp metal and then have to act cheery while slinging meat.

At least I get some free dental swag.

Margarita

Happy Thirsty Thursday (Cinco De Mayo Edition)!

Drink:

Margarita

Recipe:

1 an 1/2 oz Tequila

1/2 oz Triple Sec

1 oz Lime Juice

Slice of Lime

Salt

Rim glass with Lime Juice and dip in Salt. Shake Tequila, Triple Sec, and Lime Juice over ice, pour into rimmed glass, garnish with Slice of Lime, and serve.

Description:

Culture!

I know you are all bursting at the seams with American pride this week folks, but lets take a moment from celebrating our ability to kill the everliving fuck out of people for FREEDOM to celebrate another countries ability to kill their fair share of folks for their own FREEDOM, Mexico!

And do it like it can only be done in 'MERICA!

Besides, its really more of a U.S. holiday then anything, considering it's only observed in one state south of the border. That's right folks, much like Saint Patrick's Day, Cinco De Mayo is an American celebration of immigrants' native culture rather then another nation's celebration of a historic event (which in this case was driving the French out of Puebla. Its not the Mexican equivalent to the Fourth of July, you uncultured swine! That is in September, and has the way sweeter name Grito de Dolores, or "Cry of Dolores").

But you didn't come here for history or culture, did you? Hell no, you came here to drink!

The above recipe is for a traditional margarita, served chilled and/or on the rocks, but not in a slush. If you are going to follow this recipe, make sure to use good tequila, as it likely has a lot less sweet mixers then the fruit smoothies you get with your chicken fajita rollup at Applebee's.

Variants:

Sweet Margarita: Add 1 and 1/2oz Lime Margarita Mix and increase Lime Juice to 1 and 1/2oz. This will result in a much sweeter cocktail, more palatable to those who don't enjoy a strong tequila flavor (read: bitches).

Frozen Margarita: Double original recipe. Instead of shaking over ice, add ingredients to a blender with 1cup Ice. This is the one you are all probably familiar with. The kind that gets served to giggling middle aged women at the local bar and grill in a cup the size of a damn fishbowl.

The Fifth Rule

I think it is time for a little more wisdom.

Rule Number Five:

Stop and smell the roses… No REALLY SMELL THEM!

 

When did you last enjoy the smell of a rose? People say this all the time to tell you to slow down and enjoy life… well who has time to do that? Good Grief if I had time to enjoy life my name would be Gates or Rockefeller or Sheik something… the rest of us have to work for a living, and take care of the kids and get some exercise (yeah right) and get the car tuned up, and who knows what else, but… maybe even if we cant stop to spend a day in a daisy patch we should slow down in the super market and sniff a flower, I mean if life doesn’t have some pretty smelling moments, quiet times that put smiles on your face then maybe you do need to join a monastery in Madrid somewhere! So stop, smell a flower, hug a baby and maybe even give a bum a dime to buy a beer with I mean everyone should take even a few seconds to enjoy life and if you’re not doing it… you’re doing it wrong.

In today's idiotically fast paced world, with all the work, chores, kinky foursomes, child rearing, contract killing, errands, and illegal street racing, it can be tough to find a few moments to just slow down and relax (even harder if, when those moments come along, you are to wound up on nostril candy to take advantage of them). However, with all the stresses of life, from bills to possible STIs, its more important then ever to take a little break every once in a while.

Ringo and his mustache demand it.

But Wait, I Forgot the Memes!

An illustrated guide to the events of Sunday, May 1st, 2011, as told by Memebase.com

Intelligence is gathered:

The President makes his move:

Osama reaches the afterlife:

The world suspects:

But wait:

 But fear not, it is soon made official:

The President has a little fun with it:

Famous internet memes respond:

Until finally:

The enemy's accomplishments are acknowledged:

And challenged:

And it is finally over.

Or is it?

Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead

I don't usually like to talk politics on here. Not for fear of offending someone (I do that all the time), but because I honestly can't decide which side deserves more ridicule.

I mean that. Seriously. Fuck the both of you.

However, it has simply been too big a week in American politics to not comment. So, here it is, for one day only, Somewhat Funny Political Satire.

1. Osama Bin Laden

After a decade long, world spanning manhunt, the United States Military finally killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday. People were buzzing about it for a good part of the afternoon and evening, and then the President made an official statement.

No joke here, on this part. The man responsible for the deaths of countless men, women, and children has been brought to justice, and while it doesn't bring back those that were lost, make up for the pain of those left behind, or end our ongoing war against terrorism, I think many would agree that it is a step in the direction of a more peaceful future.

I want to sincerely thank the men and women of the U.S. Armed Forces for all they have done, and offer my deepest condolences to those who have suffered thanks to that man.

2. The Internet Responds

Don't worry, its not all going to be serious. I don't think I could actually do that.

See?

So, as anyone with an account on Facebook or Twitter (read: anyone under the age of 50) will tell you, both social networking sites were positively buzzing with the news. Hell, even afterwords the U.S. trending topics are all still related.

I can only assume Jack Bauer and Bellatrix Lestrange were on the SEAL team that took him down.

But hey, that's normal, right? I mean, the dude is the most hated public figure since Hitler, and social networks are how a lot of folks communicate these days. It's only natural that everyone would be talking about the news.

And then of course there was the dude who accidentally live Tweeted the whole thing. 

Yeah, you read that right. Apparently some Pakistani IT guy was chilling out on vacation in Abbotabad when he noticed some weird shit going down. Weird shit like helicopters, explosions, and downed aircraft.

Is midnight mansion raids a local thing? I'm not from around here...

Thinking it was unusual, but probably not world changing, he made some tweets about what was happening. A few hours, one official announcement, and a huge boom in followers later, and one Sohaib Athar realizes he is now an accidental war correspondent.

Odd and amusing, but still within the realm of the resonable.

Don't worry, the internet is far from done.

You know all those Facebook pages you can like? You know, there is one for everything from movies, games, the best blog ever, shows, books, organizations, concepts, to fucking Facebook itself.

Well, on Sunday people started liking the shit out of Osama Bin Laden is DEAD and other similar pages.

And that's not all! In the grand tradition of fake celebrity Twitter accounts, people decided to make some chronicling Osama's adventures in the afterlife. That's right, with @GhostOsama and @OsamaInHell you can read fake posts from the dead terrorist mastermind.

Come on now, this is pushing it a bit. Don't get me wrong, like any American I am glad the guy is dead but isn't this shit, I don't know...kinda tasteless? I mean, the dude was responsible for the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history and people are making Facebook pages about it and pretending to be him on Twitter to spew shitty jokes and badly concealed political jabs? Even I think that's in poor form, and I write cocktail recipes, dirty jokes, and cheap cigar reviews for the internet.

Oh, and in case you thought these were small-scale, isolated cases, they aren't.

And hey, I haven't even gotten to the most messed up part of the old 'tubes yet. That's right, there is still one very special place to check: 4chan.

Alright, I have mentally prepared myself, strapped myself securly into my chair, and have my shrink and an exorcist on speed dial. I think I am ready. Lets do this!

Not pictured: "America, Fuck Yeah!" playing on a loop when you open the page (seriously).

Wait, that's it? No horrifying photo shops? No hateful, poorly worded threats against the U.S.? No disgusting, fictional (hopefully) accounts of sodomizing his corpse? Did I go to the wrong forum? This is /b/, right?

Yeah, believe it or not, 4chan, fucking 4chan, was relatively moderate in their response to the news (as of 24 hours after the fact when I checked, anyway). Sure, there was the music, and celebratory posts emblazoned with animated gifs you would expect to see on an old geocities page, and there was the occasional conspiracy theory or (alleged) foreign poster deriding the U.S., but really nothing worse then what you could see elsewhere on the internet, and definitely less offensive then /b/'s usual material.

Damn social networks, you got shown up by 4chan.

Yeah, that 4chan.

3. Controversy

Surely there is no one out there who is really upset that a Navy SEALs team killed Osama Bin Laden (Other then other terrorist who worked for/supported him, but lets disregard them), right? I mean, he was the most hated man in the world for like a decade.

Well, in a refreshing development, no, no one is really that upset that he got shot.

However, they are super pissed about how we buried him.

And, of course, by "they", I mean "several distinct and dissimilar groups who are upset with the decision for reasons as varied as they are idiotic".

For those who don't know: according to the White House, his body was taken to a U.S. aircraft carrier, prepared by a Muslim seaman, and given a burial at sea with all the appropriate Islamic laws and ceremonies observed. They chose burial at sea so that there wouldn't be a location for supporters to enshrine/vengeful victims to desecrate. In that interest they even refuse (as of this writing) to disclose which body of water they dropped him in.

Its like finding a needle in a haystack.

If that haystack covered 71% of the Earth's surface.

And the needle was dragged around hundreds of miles by currents.

And the hay was full of predators that ate the shit out of needles.

Anyway, there are those that say there is no such thing as a proper Islamic burial at sea, as Islamic tradition dictates that all must be returned to the earth.

Supporters respond that Islamic law is flexible and allows for burials at sea with a special set of conditions.

Others contest that these only apply if the individual died at sea.

Well, ok, some Muslims are upset that maybe he wasn't given a proper burial. A little absurd, given the circumstances, but the tenants of Islam require that even fallen enemies be granted a proper burial. Mistreating the body in any way is considered wrong on many levels. 

As said by Dr. Muzamil Siddiqi, chairman of the Fiqh Council of North America: "After a person dies, the body is treated like any other human being. We don't do a retaliation on the dead body...Even those who are executed have a proper burial given to them...It is strictly forbade any mutilation -- even of the enemy's body." 

Osama was a bastard of the highest order, but I can certainly respect that sentiment. We should be decent people, and observe the proper respects to the dead regardless of who they were.

Of course, then there is the other American Islamic leader who says:  "As one who is devoted to Islam and its ideology, it makes me nauseated and sick that someone would make sure he had a religious rite given to a man like this because he was an evil barbarian who declared war against our nation," 

...god damn it, this is going to be a huge clusterfuck, isn't it?

4. Certificate of Live Birth. 

With all the terrorist killing action, its easy to forget that President Obama's long form birth certificate was released. Obama made sure to mention it at the White House Correspondents Dinner (where one Donald Trump was in attendance):

...we have a president with an honest-to-goodness sense of humor. Like a real, rib-on-your peers, elaborate-trolling, incredibly sarcastic sense of humor rather then the canned, one-line, required-of-the-speech-writer bullshit we have seen in terms past. In my over two decades on this earth, after having personally witnessed four presidents and studying countless others, I have never seen something like this.

I...I think....I think I might have hope for this nation again.