Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead

I don't usually like to talk politics on here. Not for fear of offending someone (I do that all the time), but because I honestly can't decide which side deserves more ridicule.

I mean that. Seriously. Fuck the both of you.

However, it has simply been too big a week in American politics to not comment. So, here it is, for one day only, Somewhat Funny Political Satire.

1. Osama Bin Laden

After a decade long, world spanning manhunt, the United States Military finally killed Osama Bin Laden on Sunday. People were buzzing about it for a good part of the afternoon and evening, and then the President made an official statement.

No joke here, on this part. The man responsible for the deaths of countless men, women, and children has been brought to justice, and while it doesn't bring back those that were lost, make up for the pain of those left behind, or end our ongoing war against terrorism, I think many would agree that it is a step in the direction of a more peaceful future.

I want to sincerely thank the men and women of the U.S. Armed Forces for all they have done, and offer my deepest condolences to those who have suffered thanks to that man.

2. The Internet Responds

Don't worry, its not all going to be serious. I don't think I could actually do that.

See?

So, as anyone with an account on Facebook or Twitter (read: anyone under the age of 50) will tell you, both social networking sites were positively buzzing with the news. Hell, even afterwords the U.S. trending topics are all still related.

I can only assume Jack Bauer and Bellatrix Lestrange were on the SEAL team that took him down.

But hey, that's normal, right? I mean, the dude is the most hated public figure since Hitler, and social networks are how a lot of folks communicate these days. It's only natural that everyone would be talking about the news.

And then of course there was the dude who accidentally live Tweeted the whole thing. 

Yeah, you read that right. Apparently some Pakistani IT guy was chilling out on vacation in Abbotabad when he noticed some weird shit going down. Weird shit like helicopters, explosions, and downed aircraft.

Is midnight mansion raids a local thing? I'm not from around here...

Thinking it was unusual, but probably not world changing, he made some tweets about what was happening. A few hours, one official announcement, and a huge boom in followers later, and one Sohaib Athar realizes he is now an accidental war correspondent.

Odd and amusing, but still within the realm of the resonable.

Don't worry, the internet is far from done.

You know all those Facebook pages you can like? You know, there is one for everything from movies, games, the best blog ever, shows, books, organizations, concepts, to fucking Facebook itself.

Well, on Sunday people started liking the shit out of Osama Bin Laden is DEAD and other similar pages.

And that's not all! In the grand tradition of fake celebrity Twitter accounts, people decided to make some chronicling Osama's adventures in the afterlife. That's right, with @GhostOsama and @OsamaInHell you can read fake posts from the dead terrorist mastermind.

Come on now, this is pushing it a bit. Don't get me wrong, like any American I am glad the guy is dead but isn't this shit, I don't know...kinda tasteless? I mean, the dude was responsible for the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history and people are making Facebook pages about it and pretending to be him on Twitter to spew shitty jokes and badly concealed political jabs? Even I think that's in poor form, and I write cocktail recipes, dirty jokes, and cheap cigar reviews for the internet.

Oh, and in case you thought these were small-scale, isolated cases, they aren't.

And hey, I haven't even gotten to the most messed up part of the old 'tubes yet. That's right, there is still one very special place to check: 4chan.

Alright, I have mentally prepared myself, strapped myself securly into my chair, and have my shrink and an exorcist on speed dial. I think I am ready. Lets do this!

Not pictured: "America, Fuck Yeah!" playing on a loop when you open the page (seriously).

Wait, that's it? No horrifying photo shops? No hateful, poorly worded threats against the U.S.? No disgusting, fictional (hopefully) accounts of sodomizing his corpse? Did I go to the wrong forum? This is /b/, right?

Yeah, believe it or not, 4chan, fucking 4chan, was relatively moderate in their response to the news (as of 24 hours after the fact when I checked, anyway). Sure, there was the music, and celebratory posts emblazoned with animated gifs you would expect to see on an old geocities page, and there was the occasional conspiracy theory or (alleged) foreign poster deriding the U.S., but really nothing worse then what you could see elsewhere on the internet, and definitely less offensive then /b/'s usual material.

Damn social networks, you got shown up by 4chan.

Yeah, that 4chan.

3. Controversy

Surely there is no one out there who is really upset that a Navy SEALs team killed Osama Bin Laden (Other then other terrorist who worked for/supported him, but lets disregard them), right? I mean, he was the most hated man in the world for like a decade.

Well, in a refreshing development, no, no one is really that upset that he got shot.

However, they are super pissed about how we buried him.

And, of course, by "they", I mean "several distinct and dissimilar groups who are upset with the decision for reasons as varied as they are idiotic".

For those who don't know: according to the White House, his body was taken to a U.S. aircraft carrier, prepared by a Muslim seaman, and given a burial at sea with all the appropriate Islamic laws and ceremonies observed. They chose burial at sea so that there wouldn't be a location for supporters to enshrine/vengeful victims to desecrate. In that interest they even refuse (as of this writing) to disclose which body of water they dropped him in.

Its like finding a needle in a haystack.

If that haystack covered 71% of the Earth's surface.

And the needle was dragged around hundreds of miles by currents.

And the hay was full of predators that ate the shit out of needles.

Anyway, there are those that say there is no such thing as a proper Islamic burial at sea, as Islamic tradition dictates that all must be returned to the earth.

Supporters respond that Islamic law is flexible and allows for burials at sea with a special set of conditions.

Others contest that these only apply if the individual died at sea.

Well, ok, some Muslims are upset that maybe he wasn't given a proper burial. A little absurd, given the circumstances, but the tenants of Islam require that even fallen enemies be granted a proper burial. Mistreating the body in any way is considered wrong on many levels. 

As said by Dr. Muzamil Siddiqi, chairman of the Fiqh Council of North America: "After a person dies, the body is treated like any other human being. We don't do a retaliation on the dead body...Even those who are executed have a proper burial given to them...It is strictly forbade any mutilation -- even of the enemy's body." 

Osama was a bastard of the highest order, but I can certainly respect that sentiment. We should be decent people, and observe the proper respects to the dead regardless of who they were.

Of course, then there is the other American Islamic leader who says:  "As one who is devoted to Islam and its ideology, it makes me nauseated and sick that someone would make sure he had a religious rite given to a man like this because he was an evil barbarian who declared war against our nation," 

...god damn it, this is going to be a huge clusterfuck, isn't it?

4. Certificate of Live Birth. 

With all the terrorist killing action, its easy to forget that President Obama's long form birth certificate was released. Obama made sure to mention it at the White House Correspondents Dinner (where one Donald Trump was in attendance):

...we have a president with an honest-to-goodness sense of humor. Like a real, rib-on-your peers, elaborate-trolling, incredibly sarcastic sense of humor rather then the canned, one-line, required-of-the-speech-writer bullshit we have seen in terms past. In my over two decades on this earth, after having personally witnessed four presidents and studying countless others, I have never seen something like this.

I...I think....I think I might have hope for this nation again.