Dry Martini

Drink:

Dry Martini

Recipe:

1 and 2/3 oz London Dry Gin

1/3 oz Dry Vermouth 

1 Olive

Add London Dry Gin and Dry Vermouth to an ice-filled mixing glass and stir (alternatively, shake over ice if you are feeling like James Bond). Strain into a cocktail glass, garnish with Olive, and serve.

Description:

I feel classier just looking at this.

Ah, the martini. A classic and iconic cocktail as there has ever been! Its origins are hotly debated, but wherever this drink came from it has cemented itself in western cultural identity harder then imperialism and obesity combined. It's prevalence and popularity have led it to be recognized as one of the Six Basic Drinks in David A. Embury's iconic bartending text The Fine Art of Mixing Drinks, as well as an Official Cocktail sanctioned by the International Bartenders Association.

Gaining prevalence in the United States during Prohibition (due to the relative ease with which illegal gin could be distilled domestically), the martini has seen a resurgence in popularity in recent times. It is often associated with high class, wealth, and success (or snobbishness, greed, and pretense, depending on your point of view) and is a staple of black tie events. 

The "dry" part of a dry martini comes from being stingy with the vermouth, thus handing the spotlight over to the harder gin and resulting in a "dryer" drink.

Variants: 

Shaken, not stirred - You all know the iconic line that outlines Agent 007's favorite drink (which was repeated in the inevitable bar scene put in each movie, seemingly just so the current Bond could say that line), and it is at least partially responsible for the resurgence in the martini's popularity. There is plenty of debate on whether or not this method is better/worse/indistinguishable from the traditional stirring method, but one thing is for sure: If you specify the mixing method of this drink at the bar, you will not only look like an asshole, but an unoriginal asshole.

Vodka Martini - What most people in North America think of when they hear "martini", this drink subs out the gin for vodka. Vodka, being more neutral in flavor, allows for a more mild and agreeable drink for most people without sacrificing the potency of the cocktail. Be careful though, there are traditionalists that will shank you for ordering one of these.

(Insert fruit of choice)tini - These cocktails, the most popular of which is no doubt the appletini, have incredibly little to do with an actual martini (they take the name from being served in a cocktail glass, which many mistakenly refer to as a martini glass), and are usually just various mixes of vodka with fruit juices and/or flavored liqueurs (although some do use a gin base and include vermouth, though these are fairly uncommon). Be warned, in American pop-culture appletinis and the like are as closely related to wimps and lightweights as their namesake is to class and refinement. 

Can't imagine why...

Girlish Confessions

or How I Got Drunk and Admitted Terrible Things.

1. Do you sleep in your bra?
Not my bra...

2. Do you sleep with socks on?
Only when I am feeling classy.

3. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone else?
Two someone elses. Variety is the spice of life!

4. Do you enjoy drama?
Of course! My favorite is Satyr Plays!

5. Are you a girly-girl?
For the last time, creepy craigslist guy, I will not put on that dress!

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
The bartender. The bouncer did actually happen after but that was more a grapple then a hug...

7. Small or large purse?
When murses finally become socially acceptable, I am getting a fucking huge one.

Seriously, you could fit a bar's worth of booze in there!

8. Are you short?
Nope.

9. Do you like somebody?
Only if "somebody" stops asking me questions I haven't heard since high school.

10. Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy?
i<3countdracula2000

11. Do you care if your socks are dirty?
Yeah, I usually only wear a pair for a day or two before tossing them and grabbing new ones. Good thing they come in packs of 7 pairs.

 

Wait, you mean they aren't disposable? Well shit.

12. Do you think you’re conceited?

Psh, that would mean I had a flaw. Preposterous.

13. Do you dress up on Halloween?

I woke up on November 1st wearing a crotchless Hey Arnold costume, despite leaving my apartment on October 31st in one of my better suits. I blacked out shortly after I departed, so I can't confirm that I actually put on (or was forced into) the costume during the 24 period defined as Halloween, but chances seem high.

14. Are you double jointed?

I thought I was once. Turns out that finger was just broken. 

Related Note: Don't mix Everclear with Percoset, no matter how much it sucks after you get your wisdom teeth pulled.

15. Where is the weirdest place you have slept?

I once spent the morning between the hours of 4:34am and 8:47am passed out at a booth in the McDonalds just off of I-96 at the Wixom exit. I woke to a mother chastising her child for staring at the "poor homeless man".

16. Has anyone touched/smacked your butt in the past 24 hours?

This is true of pretty much and 24 hour period in my life.

17. Is there any type of rumor going around about you?

No, for the last time, I am not that James Harper!

18. Do you call anybody by their last name?

Yeah, I do it as a kind of term-of-endearment for my closest pals, like Willis, Hawking, Abdul-Aziz, and Wayne.

Also, I call Germanotta by her last name because I refuse to acknowledge that stupid pseudonym she uses for herself now. 

19. How many guys will read this just because it says "GirlConfessions"?

Hopefully not many.

20. check of those that apply:

[  ] I do wear make up.

[  ] I have cried in a movie theater.

[X] I can put mascara on without opening my mouth

[  ] I get jealous.

[X] I think Johnny Depp is sexy.

[X] I love to laugh.

[X] I like death/grind/black metal.

[  ] I like rap.

[  ] I like techno.

[  ] I like country.

[  ] I carry a purse.

[X] I'd be lost without my computer.

[  ] I own a Spice Girls CD.

[  ] I own a Britney Spears CD.

[  ] I own a boy band CD.

[X] I get bored watching football.

[X] I've never been called a spoiled brat.

[  ] Guys are confusing.

[XXX] I've been called a bad influence.

[X] I have/had a piercing other than my ears.

Come on Ladies, be truthful!

1. What color is your bra that your wearing?

Not wearing one right now. The lady passed out next to me has a shiny blue one though.

2. Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?

What?

3. Are you currently frustrated with a boy?

Damnit Gaddafi!

4. What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them?

Give me 20 bucks.

5. Do you have a best friend?

Jim!

Editor's note: No, you don't.

6. Have you ever had your heart broken?

Yeah, but it got better.

7. Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?

Well, I might have to if I get put into witness protection. Have to wait and see how this trial pans out...

8. Do you like your life?

It could use more explosions.

10. Has one of your friends ever stolen a boyfriend or girlfriend from you?

Yes

11. Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on?

Often. Mythbusters taught me it was a pretty solid way to avoid gunfire.

12. Do you have more friends that are girls or boys?

Oh, I have lots of both.

Editor's note: Bar floozies and Drunken Frat Boys are not friends.

13. How long have you had a facebook?

Since November, 2009

14. Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?

Not a boy.

15. What are your biggest fears?

Attack by Neo-Burlesque dancers, getting hit by a satellite that fell out of orbit, and wolfman.

16. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

No Yes.

17. Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?

Yeah....

18. Do you believe in the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater?

Unfortunately.

19. Have you ever had a good feeling about something?

Once or twice.

20. Do you ever wish you were famous?

Only before I became famous!

Editor's note: I can't tell if you are lying or you are really that misguided.

21. Are you currently missing someone?

Oh Bulsara...

THIS GUY OR THAT GUY? PICK ONE

Cowboy or Gangster?

Clint Eastwood

Preppy or Punk?

Anything else.

Face or Body?

Tits.

Good cook or take you out a lot?

Able to mix a decent drink.

Sweet or sexy?

Sour.

Armani or Abercrombie?

T-shirt Hell

Contacts or glasses?

Blindfold.

The Forth Rule

A wise man once said...

Rule Number Four:

When you in a hole…. Stop Digging!

How many times have you tried to lie your way out of trouble as a kid? Remember they knew, and they loved knowing! You just kept digging tossing more and more dirt out of the hole you were already standing in. Remember telling your spouse you thought that outfit didn’t look good on them and then trying to explain how it was the clothes fault…. When you are caught in a tight spot, chances are you should look and see if the ground here seems lower than what is around you…. Sometimes you just need to put down the shovel and say, “Ok, I’m done now”

Lets face it, we all lie. Sometimes its a little one that is more about convenience("Why I am late? You know, its actually kind of a funny story...") or politeness ("Don't be ridiculous, those pants look great on you!"), and sometimes its a big one to avoid trouble ("I assure you, officer, I have all the legal documents necessary to own this panda. The import papers and license are at home in my safe...") or for personal gain ("Hello Friend! I am Mr. Kumalo, a Nigerian prince...").

And if you are Tauba Auerbach, you might use it as a logic bomb.

The Complete Repository for all Human Knowledge even has a robust list of the different types of lies. Hell, its considered an important part of a child's development when they learn to lie convincingly. Clearly, lying is a integral part of the human condition.

But the simple fact of the matter is that most people are really bad at it, and even those of us who are practiced in the art can find ourselves caught off guard in a situation that no falsehood could explain.

It's not what it looks like!

So, despite every fiber of your being demanding that you try and talk your way out of it, just give up. The can't win them all, and the fallout will be a lot less harsh if you just accept your fate.

Resurrection Day

Happy Feast of Ēostre everyone!

The most splendid of the goddesses.

Indeed, it is again that wonderful time of the year. Spring is here, the flowers bloom and the animals begin to venture past their winter shelters. Everywhere the earth is being reborn, and to celebrate it is time to partake in the greatest celebration of Ēostur-monath! 

So, gather your friends and family and prepare the food! Entertain the children with tales of the hare, a symbol of fertility that exemplifies the sacred dawning of spring, and the heralds of Ēostre's dawn! Lead them in hunting eggs, the clearest example of the rebirth that surrounds them! 

Just make sure to keep the dog in the house.

What's that? Its actually Easter? We celebrate Christ's rebirth now? 

Oh, OK. Well, I guess there are a bunch of new traditions to go with that celebration right? 

Huh, I guess not. Looks like they just sort of ran a find-and-replace on the old ones to sub in the word "Christ" everywhere. 

Well, what's the explanation for the name Easter? That's got to be an amusing coincidence, being so close to the name of the Goddess and all....

Oh, they just sort of took that to? Well shit.

Tree Hugger

The Drink:

Tree Hugger

Recipe:

2oz Gin

6oz Mountain Dew (or similar lemon-lime softdrink)

1slice of Lime

Crushed Ice

Pour Gin over Crushed Ice in a highball glass. Drop in Slice of Lime. Top off with Mountain Dew.

Description: 

No

No

...oddly arousing, but no.

There we go.

Gin, full of more pine tree flavor then you have tasted since that incident with the family Christmas tree, is a natural choice for an Earth Day cocktail. While its never really been my favorite spirit, a sweet lemon-lime mixer does wonders for taking the edge off the foresty taste.

Drink up, and plant a tree or something!

Honor Amoung Theives

Well kids, its that time of the year again.

Time for another major ecological disaster?

No, but almost as bad. 

For university students across the nation, it is time for everyone's favorite end-of-the-semester tradition: The Final Exam.

Basically how it goes.

Many of you have no doubt already taken them, and for many more they are still to come, but it is most assuredly the season, and if you are in an institution of higher learning you are likely to be sweating about it sometime between mid-April to mid-May. 

Pictured: "Sweating"

But exams aren't the only fun thing us students have to deal with. No, for a lot of classes final projects of various types are what constitutes the big final grade. These projects can take many forms, from large research papers to complex programs to diagram rich presentation to sexual favors for the professor, but the one thing they all have in common is they are worth a big chunk of your grade and you spend most of the semester working on them.

Also acceptable: One stimulant-fueled night of desperation.

In some ways, these projects are even worse then an exam. With an exam, all the time you spend cramming and learning the material is a solid investment, and the knowledge you gained can never be taken from you. 

However, after pouring hours of you life into a project, any number of things can rob you of the final product: You lose your flashdrive, your hard drive crashes, your apartment catches fire, ect.

But perhaps worst of all?

Some fuckhead steals your laptop.

Laptop theft, especially on college campuses, is a bigger problem then you might realize. Its become so prevalent, people have written guides to keeping your computer out of criminal hands, some even produced by major universities, and laptop theft insurance is a booming business along with various pieces of software for tracking down your stolen tech. 

My library even put up a sign. The clipart lets you know how serious this is.

Now, I get it; Laptops are small, light, and valuable, everything someone with sticky fingers wants in a target. There is a huge demand for them, so selling them off second hand is a piece of cake, and people have a nasty habit of leaving them unattended in public places. I can hardly blame a robber for taking an opportunity like that (besides, you know, the whole stealing other people's shit thing). 

But listen, the hardest part about having you computer stolen isn't that you have to buy a new one (which does suck, certainly, but its not the end of the world). Its the fact that, if you never made a proper backup like most average computer users, you have lost all of the information on that system.

Mr. Grab-n-Go doesn't really get anything from your data though. I mean, sure, they could try and find bank info on there to steal your identity, but cracking into even a lightly protected laptop is more trouble then they are probably willing to spend on it. Especially when they can just send your grandmother an email signed by a "Nigerian Prince" and get the same result. No, they probably just stole for the value of the machine itself.

So, the thief gets no added value from your data, but to you your data is the most valuable part of your laptop.

Given this, I suggest a simple solution that will make thieves less dickish and victims less screwed: Leave the Data. 

It goes like this: If you are a thief and plan on snagging some poorly minded laptops, brush up real quick on breaking a basic windows password (ask the internet, its not hard. Most people won't have anything more then that as far as protection goes). When you steal a laptop, before you fence it, boot it up and gain access. Open up the My Documents folder, and throw everything that looks important into a .zip file. Now, open up the computer's default web browser and open a tab for each of the major free email services (Gmail, yahoo, ect) and each of the major social networks (Facebook, Linkedin, Twitter, ect.). Chances are, the owner's username and password are saved for at least on of them. Now, pick the one you think they are most likely to check, and use it to send that .zip to them. 

There, now the victim has their data back and you can sell your ill-gotten laptop just as easily. Win-win.

Oh, right, its 4/20 isn't it? Whoops. ~insert lame stoner joke here~

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Hey,

Listen, I know we (i.e. Humanity) haven't exactly been the nicest to you over the years. What, with all the carbon emissions, driving animals to extinction, and setting off nuclear weapons in our only biosphere, I can understand that you might be a little upset.

However, I think you might be taking this a little hard. Its April 19th, and the current temperature is 37°. Yesterday there was snow. Not just any snow though; Detroit had 1.6 inches of snowfall, over five times more snow then it had ever received on that date. I left work during the highest temperature of the day, and there was still snow hanging around. 

Fuckin' Seriously?

Is there something we can do to make it up to you? We are working on cleaning up our act, and making sure not to make such a mess of things in the future, but it doesn't seem like its enough for you. 

Its because we don't live in nebulous fear of you anymore, isn't it? Monotheism squashed nature worship, and while it still exists its nowhere near the mainstream religion it once was. The constant march of science has increased man's understanding of your workings and inflated his hubris until he believed he could control you. 

Druidism can make a comeback, right?

That's what this is about, isn't it? Do you want me to perform the Ritual of Oak and Mistletoe?

What about the Wicker Man? You used to love that one.

Just tell me what we need to do, because this cold spring shit isn't going to work for us.

Sincerely, 

James Harper