A day in the life

4:43 AM

Arrive home heavily inebriated. Eat some cheez-its and pass out in bathroom.

6:00 AM

Alarm rings. Get up and take a quick shower, then dress for work.  

6:21 AM

Vomit.

7:00 AM

Shift Starts

7:14 AM

Arrive at work.

7:30 AM

Begin preparing rotisserie chickens. Chastised by boss for what she referred to as "A most disturbingly sexual positioning of raw chickens".

8:04 AM

First costumer of the day. Interactions are as follows:

James: Goodmorning sir, can I help you with something?

Customer: [Silently stares at hot case]

James: Uh...sir?

Customer: Where is the fried chicken?

James: Sorry sir, but we don't cook fried chicken this early. 

Customer: [indignant] Why not?

James: I don't know, because its not really a breakfast food....?

Customer: This is outrageous! I want some fried chicken!

James: Calm down sir. I can put some in for you now if you would like. It will be a short wait.

Customer: How long?

James: About 20 minutes.

Customer: I can't wait 20 minutes.

James: Well, then I am sorry sir. 

Customer: Do it faster.

James: I'm sorry, what?

Customer: Do it faster.

James: Cook the chicken faster?

Customer: Yes.

James:You do realize how cooking works, right? This is raw chicken, if it is undercooked it will not only taste bad, it could kill you.

Customer: So you won't do it?

James: So help me God, if I wouldn't get fired for it I would. Just for you.

9:30 AM

Unloading shipment of goods. Question necessity of ordering "Soggy cockmeat" that when cut resembles "Paper napkins soaked in mucus". Reprimanded by boss and informed that said meat is "Oven roasted chicken" and would be "On Sale".

10:30 AM

30 Minute lunch break. Consumed coffee (Irish), SweetTart candies, and a slice of pork liver sausage. 

11:13 AM

Return to work.

12:01 PM

Another customer. Interactions are as follows:

Customer: Hi, I was looking for some pita bread, but I can't find it.

James: Well, the pita bread is all on that rack over there. 

Customer: Oh, thank you! [Goes to rack and browses for a moment, then returns] I can't seem to find the kind I am looking for.

James: Well, let me take a look. [Checks rack] I'm sorry miss, I don't believe we carry that particular product.

Customer: But I bought it here before! You must not be familiar with it because you are new.

James: Unless you bought it six months ago, I doubt that is relevant.

Customer: What?

James: I have been working here for six months, and you...you know what, nevermind. I can ask my manager if we can bring it in for you but we don't have any right now.

Customer: I know you carry it! Look, I brought the old package and everything! [Produces empty pita bread package]

James: Ah, you must be mistaken. This product has another store's price tag.

Customer: Bullshit, you can't tell that! All price tags look the same!

James: Miss?

Customer: Yes?

James: As you can see here [produces package with store tag] Out price tags have the stores name on it.

Customer: So?

James:Yours doesn't

Customer: And?

James: Seriously?

Customer: Yes.

12:20 PM

Officially reprimanded by store manager for pelting customer with pita bread.

1:23 PM

Fixes deep fryer that had been improperly reassembled after cleaning by new employee. Chastised by boss for testing newly functional fryer on said employee. Denied request to have job title officially changed to "James Harper, Lord of the Boiling Pitch and Slayer of Minimum Wage Undead"

2:36 PM

Last customer for the shift. Interactions are as follows:

James: May I help you, sir?

Customer: No, my son, but I may be able to help you.

James: Oh, this should be good. 

Customer: All is good in God's kingdom.

James: Jesus Christ...

Customer: Exactly. Have you met the lord?

James: What?

Customer: Our Lord Jesus Christ. Have you met him?

James: Oh, yeah.

Customer: [Surprised] Really?

James: Yeah, he was in last Tuesday. I don't think I waited on him though.

Customer: [Shocked] Young man, I would appreciate it if you left offending my beliefs out of the conversation!

James: And I would appreciate it if you left things not involving meat or the serving there of out of the conversation. Now, would you like some soggy cockmeat?

2:50 PM

Head home.

3:30 PM

Shift ends.