The Rack

As a wildly successful internet writer, I was surprised to learn the other day that print media still existed. Who knew that there was a market for stained dead tree anymore?

Anyway, this revelation sent me to the local grocery's magazine rack. What I found was...interesting.

1. Cosmo

Birth control got better?

Oh, Cosmo, you hilarious publication. This woman's magazine has a long a storied history, but these days its pretty much just scantily clad cover models, bad health and wellness advice, and TERRIBLE sex advice. 

20 bucks says that actually following the Kinky Sex feature will result in more wilting boners than Rosie O'donnell and if not, a visit to the hospital. 

However, they do get points for having Olivia Wilde on the cover. 

Protip: 1st way to seduce a man in a minute or less? Be Olivia Wilde. Methods 2-50? Emulate Olivia Wilde.

2. Chinstraps

The inadequacy of mid 1800s field rations finally exposed!

When I first saw this sitting on the shelf, I figured it was some sort of history magazine doing a special issue on the American Civil War. Silly me, that would HAVE MADE SENSE.

That's right, apparently America's Civil War is a running publication that is entirely focused on the American Civil war. You know, the one that happened more then a century ago. 

Now, I am all for learning about history. Woefully, many people in the US are undereducated and largely unaware of our past. 

That being said, this is a terrible idea for a magazine. Seriously, there is only so much to talk about. Its not like there is still skirmishes or anything. No new info is coming in from the front lines. Hell, there really isn't a whole lot of new archeological discoveries, considering that it is (relatively speaking) a pretty recent event and that, you know, WE HAVE ALL THE RECORDS FROM BOTH SIDES.

By the way, be sure to check out my new magazine, The Cuban Missile Crisis Quarterly, hitting shelves this summer!

3. More of What You Want

Has she been on enough covers? No.

Two sexy covers featuring Olivia Wilde? Maybe there is something to this print media thing after all...

Anyway, this magazine really kind of played with my expectations a bit. When I saw the sexy Olivia Wilde picture (Yes, I will keep mentioning it. It is always relevant.) at first glance, I expected something along the lines of Maxim (for those of you not in the know, its like playboy but all the models keep the naughty bits covered). Upon seeing the Women's Health at the top (which was tough because Olivia Wilde's head is in the way for some reason. Women's Health, consider getting a new layout guy), I chastised myself and reevaluated it as a respectable health and wellness magazine that was simply using their cover to display an example of health and wellness.

Then I read some of the article headlines featured on the cover and realized ITS ANOTHER GOD DAMNED COSMO!

Protip: Best way to look good naked? Be Olivia Wilde.

4. Oh God...

Just another airbrushed model...

...wait, what's with that unsettling stare, maybe I should take a closer look.

Oh God, why does she look like that? 

Wait, is that Lady Gaga?

WHY DOES THAT MAKE IT WORSE!?

Well, so much for ever sleeping again.